Children are GIFTS

Here we are back to the Christmas season. A season of giving, baking, singing, and parties. This wonderful Christmas season always has me thinking about what gifts I will buy, how I will wrap them, who I will give them to. Of course, I put a little thought into the gifts I might receive as well. But this year I started to think of what I have ALREADY been given. Gifts that many people have chosen not to receive, gifts that some people cannot receive, and gifts that so many people take for granted. Those gifts are my children.

Some of you may read this and say, "What?!! Your children?!! I can't have children. They would just drive me crazy". You're right. There would be times when you would go completely nuts trying to figure out the best ways to love them, protect them, and teach them to be wonderful people. And there are of course, other ways that your sanity will be tested. You will forget what it's like to sleep soundly. They will puke on you. They will poop in the bathtub (or the floor or anywhere else for that matter). They will literally destroy everything in their reach and get peanut butter or any other type of stickiness all over your furniture, your clothing, and your floors. As far as the mother goes.... your body will never be the same (sorry). Your friends will have to be weeded out to only the most loving and understanding. And if you're a party-er you should kiss that lifestyle goodbye to provide the life that your child needs. 

This all sounds horrible if you're looking at this from anything but a parent's point of view. Actually when I was 18 years old I decided that I didn't want to have children. Solely because I didn't want to "ruin" my body. Yes, 'tis true. I was worried about getting "fat", stretchmarks, swelling, and never having my body be the way it was at that point in time (my 18 year old body). There are many reasons that people talk themselves out of having children. They need to wait until they have more money. They need to really focus on their career. They don't want to ruin their social life. They'll just get a dog (or cat, etc). They value their sleep. And on and on.

But I was wrong. Kourtney and Kloey, they were totally worth my body never being the same again. They are worth the sleepless nights (just had one with Klo last night). I have to mop everyday and I spend a good portion of my life fishing food out of their hair and mine. I can't even tell you how many times I have to repeat myself until I'm blue in the face. I have been puked on and pooped on. It's an adventure for sure but not one that I'd like to embark on again. Yet, I probably will. Because they are WORTH IT!!!

I truly believe, deep down in my heart that without the love of children you can never fully comprehend pain... but you can never fully comprehend the true meaning of HAPPINESS. The pain part is simple. Just the act of childbirth is agonizing. But then what comes next? We see the pictures of it all the time. It's silent. It is profound. It is heartwarming. It is love in the largest amount that you can think of and then multiplied by 3 billion. 

This love is completely unexpected and sweeps you right off of your feet. And it doesn't stop with the first child. No No! It just gets bigger and bigger and bigger. Their smell, their nose, their wittle toesies, the way they eat, how they sleep. All of it! You love all of it.

I've written some crazy posts about sick nights with my kids, my older daughter learning how to argue with me, my ups and downs with Kloey. But let me share something with you about what I feel every single day of my life regardless of vomit, feces, attitude, or a two year old who is very much not two years old at all. 

It is this; a happiness and pride that threatens to burst my heart straight open if I don't get some sort of control over that madness! When Kourtney spins and twirls and sings I know that she is so happy, and then the bursting starts. When she randomly tells me that I'm the best mommy ever and that she loves me so much, there's that bursting. When she feels comfortable in our relationship to tell me every little detail of every feeling she's had throughout the day, I know that she trusts me, and the swelling and bursting starts all over. 

When Kloey learns a new sign and couples it with its meaning perfectly, the pride loses control! When she crawls over to me and reaches her arms up and proceeds to snuggle deep into my neck then pat my back affectionately, I know what true love feels like. When she cries after I leave the house just barely because I just want to go out with my husband, I turn around and give her another gigantic hug because I know that she believes that she just can't bear to be without me for even a minute.

You nurse them and change them and love them and feed them. They grow and learn and watch and melt your heart every single day, every single moment. This, my friends, is a bond beyond comparison. I check on them three times a night to make sure that they're warm and cozy, and also just to kiss their sweet, sleeping faces. They are my entire world. You may think that makes me a crazy housewife that's been duped into thinking whatever it is her husband makes her think. But my husband will tell you any day that I very much have a mind of my own.

Motherhood was hard for me at first. I felt like my life had just been ripped out of my arms and given to this 7 pound human that I was now, suddenly, responsible for. But how foolish I was! Now I see that when they handed me that 7 pound human... they had not ripped my life from me, but handed my life to me.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

Doc Mcstuffins

MY CHILDREN HAVE FOUND A NEW ADDICTION... DOC MCSTUFFINS.

You know, I actually love that they love this cute little show. Actually... here's some random-ness for the day.

• I love kids' shows. Sesame Street. Doc Mcstuffins. Strawberry Shortcake. Tinkerbell. You name it. 
• I've had two cervical fusions. And those totally suck. But now we've discovered that there are two screws in the second fusion that are broken. Not good. Looking at another fusion in the near future.
• We've decided that eventually we are going to adopt another child with Down syndrome. I'm serious as serious can be. We would love to do that.
• I miss reading books. I feel like I never have time for anything anymore. Sheesh
• Kourtney and Kloey are becoming best friends. Because of Kloey growing so slowly this has taken a little bit of time. But she is totally attached to her sister's hip and Kourtney loves it!
• We are thinking of baby number three. And this will be our last baby due to my neck and back problems.
• I like how I look in pictures but I never like myself as much when I'm just looking in the mirror. What's up with that???
• I put on a size 3/4 jean the other day and they were too big! What?!! I refuse to go to a 1/2. Personally, I think that's just too small for me.
• Jordan cleans the house faster than I do. It's true.
• He also leaves the girls in yesterday's clothes all day. So I guess we're even. HaHa!
• My mommy's coming for Christmas! I do feel a little bad that my family won't have here there for Christmas but I haven't had her for Christmas in almost four years!!! I'm beyond stoked. And so is Kourtney.
• I am totally not dreading winter. I like cuddling and snuggling and big fuzzy socks and hot cocoa and the whole bit!
• My husband is more attractive to me every single day. Marriage is the best decision I've ever made!!!
• Kourtney asked to name the new baby (when we have one) "Sparkles"... I'm thinking we'll go in another direction.
• I can't find 95% of Kloey's socks....
• Kloey stands by herself more and more. Walking is very close for this rascal.

Losing her

Here we are at the end of another Down Syndrome Awareness month. We've shared pictures, stories, and videos to educate people everywhere on Down Syndrome and those that are labeled with it. For this final post I wanted to speak out on something that I am very passionate about.

Giving your Down's baby a chance....

Stick with me here. Statistics are still in the 90% range of women who choose to abort when it becomes clear that their unborn child has Down Syndrome. Just think of that statement. Their unborn child HAS Down Syndrome. Not WILL have... but HAS. And my question would be why? After looking through my blogs for the past thirty days have we not all witnessed that my Kloey's life has great value and she herself possesses great potential for many wonderful things? Do we look unhappy and burdened with the weight of her? Does she look unhappy, difficult, or of no worth? Does Kourtney seem to shun her sister.... would she be better off without her?

Of course those questions seem a little ridiculous but I'm serious. Let's just give you something to chew on here...

I begged God to give me a child with a normal chromosome count. For some reason I was convinced that this life would be too much, too hard for me. Countless thoughts ran through my mind... she would never leave home, she'd always be with us, forever!.... she would face ridicule and unfair treatment from others.... Kourtney would miss out on a "normal" sister experience....there would be too many health issues... And honestly, I think that I was afraid of the label it would give our family. Shamefully so, I admit it.

And for the first day of her life you know what? I couldn't look at her. Slap me right across the face someone, PLEASE!!!

But when I finally did, my prayers changed.

There she was... the child that grew from nothing to something living inside of me for so many months. The child that needed the sound of MY voice, MY heartbeat, MY love. And I wasn't giving it to her. For so many shallow and selfish reasons, I wasn't giving it to her. But seeing her at her worst was too much for me to care about me anymore. This wasn't about me... this is HER life. It isn't up to me to say what HER life is going to be, how valuable, how much potential she will or will not have.

And then I was so afraid. I was afraid that I would never be able to bring her home. I was afraid that she would just stop breathing and I would never get to see her smile, watch her grow, help her learn, play with her, or hear her sweet giggles or even her cries. I begged and pleaded with God some more. But this time I begged FOR HER. Whatever was best for her was what I wanted. But please please please let her live. Give her to me. I WILL love her!!! Just give her to me!!!

Fast forward two years. Not too long ago, about two months in fact, we could have lost her again. Over a simple allergic reaction that the ER doctor didn't catch because he assumed that a swollen tongue was just her normal tongue.... because of her DS. Even when I assured him otherwise. He ignored the dangerous signs of her low oxygen counts (in the 60's folks instead of the 90's where they should be). We were sent home.

That night she grew increasingly worse. She screamed and screamed and I didn't know what to do but I sensed that something was terribly wrong with her. Something was not right and it was in fact very scary. She started gasping for breath and gasping and gasping. She just couldn't breathe and I had no idea what to do! So, I prayed.

The very real possibility of losing my child was in the forefront of my mind. I cried and I begged and I pleaded to know what to do, to know how to help her. I begged for Him to give her to me and promised with everything in my heart that I would always always always cherish and love her. Just PLEASE let me keep her.

And He did. Jordan figured it out and we were able to help her heal. I didn't sleep for a week straight just so that I could be absolutely positive that she was going to be alright. And she was. And I cried sweet tears of relief and joy.

My views have completely changed. She does need me, it is true, but our family NEEDS HER!!! She glues us together, she brings love and joy and sweet happiness into our lives. And yes, she really is just like other children. She throws tantrums (miniature ones at best), she plays, she dances, and she learns. She learns at a slower rate, but it all eventually comes.

.....My point is this. I thought that I knew what her life was going to be like. I thought that I knew exactly who she was. I thought that I knew that I wasn't cut out for it. But I didn't know what her life would bring. I didn't know who she was. Apparently I am cut out for it. And I still don't know what her life is going to bring.

She deserves a chance. She deserves a LIFE. She deserves a mother's unconditional love. She deserves acceptance. She deserves to have a VOICE!

Give them LIFE! Give them a Chance!!!

Thanks for following...
Happy Down Syndrome Awareness Month!!!!

Boy oh boy

... Am I tired!!!! After hosting a Halloween party tonight I'm pretty pooped. Let's see about checking out our Down Syndrome sweetheart! Because that's what she is... the sweetest of hearts!!!

Happy Halloween... from all of us... to all of you!!!
And happy Down Syndrome Awareness month!!!

I'm so sorry

I get many different reactions when I tell people that my baby has Down Syndrome. (at some point I'm going to have to stop calling her a baby) There are those who awkwardly offer up a phrase like this one, "oh, okay. well see you later". Can't hold it against them, some people just really don't know anything about Down Syndrome and so they shy away from it. Then there are those that will light up at the mention of DS and want to know everything about anything! There are also those that I don't have to say anything to, they will just come right up to Kloey and tell her what a wonderful and beautiful person she is.

Then there are those that I want to shake. The people that offer up the "Oh! I'm so sorry!". I know, I know. Give them a break, they probably don't know any better, blah blah blah. I get that. But really? Why are you so sorry? What is there to be sorry about? Absolutely NOTHING! Nothing at all!

You may think that Kloey is and always will be a "burden" on her family. How very wrong you are. True enough she may never live on her own, but then again she very well could! The thing is... I don't want her to. I want her with me always! That is my blessing. I have a child that won't grow out of her mother. You should be jealous, not sorry.

You may also think that Kloey is/never will be a "normal" person, with normal relationships and normal feelings and normal anything. Let me tell you... She pulled her sister's hair today out of NORMAL frustration that all human beings feel. She also received a firm NO from me for it. Speaking of her sister, does that not sound like a "normal" relationship to you? Oh, it most certainly does to me.

She also knows how to play Jordan and myself like a couple of fiddles. She very "normally" pouts and whines until we turn on Sesame Street. She also throws her food on the floor every single night and refuses to eat until she gets a peanut butter sandwich (she'd settle for a cookie too but Mom isn't going for that!). Let's be honest, she's pretty "normal".

Kloey may not get married, honestly she probably won't. She probably won't go to college. She probably won't move out of our home. But really, she's going to be way ahead of the rest of us when we meet the end of our time here on earth. When you're around Kloey you can feel that she radiates love (unless peanut butter sandwiches or Sesame Street are in short supply). I have to throw Kourtney in here too, they are a pair destined for each other. They are typical sisters. She is a typical daughter. Jordan and I are typical parents. We live our lives and rejoice in her accomplishments and milestones achieved. We don't sit around and wallow in self pity because of one little extra chromosome. That extra chromosome has taught us so much in just the short space of two years, and I would change NONE of it!

Kloey's view

Every morning I wake up, stretch, make a few noises and then pull myself to stand in my crib. Sometimes Mommy jumps when she sees me staring at her. I spook her, and then I giggle. If I don't get picked up right away then I know just how to get what I want... I pucker my lips out and start to pretend to cry because I know they think it's super cute. It doesn't always work but sometimes it does!

After that we go out to the place where Elmo comes from! Elmo makes me happy, I have to watch Sesame Street every morning before breakfast... Mom says I'm addicted. But then I get really hungry and I eat cheerios or eggs or pancakes or just about anything! And there's most definitely always a big mess to clean up... on the table, on my chair, on the floor, and all over ME!!!

Then we get dressed. When Mommy's home I know that she will ALWAYS brush my hair and I HATE THAT! But when Daddy's home sometimes I don't even have to get out of my jammies! (that means no hair brushing) After that ordeal is done with I get to play with my big sister. Some days she likes me so much that she locks me in her room and won't let me out. On other days she doesn't want to share with me so she builds a fortress in front of the toybox to keep me out.

Lunch time can't come soon enough!!! I'm not very picky at breakfast but when that is said and done with I don't want anything but a peanut butter sandwich! (or Nutella) Everything else goes right on the floor and if they try to feed it to me I clamp my mouth shut as tight as it will go and turn my head away. I'm no dummy. My favorite part comes after lunch though... nap time! If I don't get my nappy I am so not happy!!!

When I wake up my sister is usually gone. I don't know where she goes, but she always comes back. My mommy and daddy play games and watch shows with me. Right now Mommy and Daddy are teaching me how to walk. I can do it while they hold my hands up!!! I get better and better each day!!! Someday I will walk just like Kourtney does. Mommy and Daddy are also teaching me how to "talk" with my hands. I can't say much but I know how to tell them I'm hungry! I also know how to tell them that I want Sesame Street. I pick up the magic clicker, point it at the place where Elmo shows up and then jump up and down a little and pretend to click. Works like a charm.

When sister gets home we play and snack and then we get to watch a movie or cartoon before dinner. I don't eat what Mom makes... unless it is a cookie or a peanut butter sandwich. Then I get to take a BATH!!! Yesterday I fell over in the bathtub and kept slipping and swallowing water. I was pretty spooked but I think I know how to keep my balance now. After bath time we read books and say prayers. I get my nice warm bottle of milk, get my teeth brushed, then I get to lay down. I don't argue, 'cuz I like bedtime. When I wake up I know that Mommy will be there, just waiting for me to spook her.


A day in the life of Kloey isn't really different than a day in the life of most children!!!

Pictures say a million things

 Kloey loves loves loves books!!!! All books!!! She even loves my books, and that shows in all of the ripped pages. It's wonderful. She'll just sit down, gather a group of books around herself and then "read" them. And of course she alternates the reading between the watching of Sesame Street. Today I saw a photo opportunity and I just couldn't neglect it.

My baby is so smart. There is no denying that. She may not speak yet but she tells us what she wants. She may not walk yet but she gets around really quickly with her bear crawl. She is just so spirited and so funny! Enjoy.

Epic

Hey all!!! Today I want to try another video. The other ones don't seem to be working. So here goes! Let me know if it doesn't work and if it does then you can still let me know.

This video contains epic cute-ness! Viewers beware. You will most definitely giggle. Perhaps even produce a hearty chuckle. A toddler trying to catch a laser... Kourtney did this as a toddler too! lol

Happy Down Syndrome Awareness Month!!!!

Great Adventures

Welcome to Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley
Print Version

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome To Holland”.

“Holland?!?” you say, “What do you mean “Holland”??? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned”.

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But…if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things…about Holland.

© 1987, by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved.
Reprinted with permission of the author.

I love this because there is just so much truth in it and it is so wonderfully said. Raising a child with Down Syndrome is going to be a lot like raising another “typical” child. But let’s be honest, it’s not what you’re expecting. You were expecting something else, someone else, a different “trip” if you will. But now this trip is changing drastically. Now you have to learn how to slow down, breathe deeply, and observe the beauty that is surrounding you.

Would it be another way

My dear friend asked me to write about whether or not I would be so involved in Kloey's milestones had she come first instead of Kourtney. And the answer is... I'm not quite sure. I believe that I would have been eventually but maybe not from the very start of her life.

To be sure, I definitely would not have had anything to compare it to so most likely I would not have been so good about keeping up with her therapies. I probably might have thought that there was no reason for the therapies and been less active in them. 

But I will say this, I got to see Kourtney develop and grow so quickly and because of that I knew what to expect. But it also went too quickly. With Kloey I get to slow down and appreciate my baby girl for so much longer than most people get to enjoy their babies. I like that I have my experiences with Kourtney to refer to when I need to know just how great Kloey's doing or to see what we should really be focusing on in her therapies. 

To sum up, I wouldn't want to switch them around. I learned first from Kourtney and because of that I don't feel the need to pressure Kloey to do the same things that I've seen Kourtney do. Because I know now that everything and everyone works in their own time... not our's. And I love that I can embrace that. 

My Klo

This was our final day of Down Syndrome Awareness month last year. I wanted to share it because I love the poem and the feeling in it. I'm also the world's crankiest person tonight and didn't want that to spill over in a blog post tonight. Much love!!!

The Final day of Down Syndrome Awareness Month...

To Kloey Alice:

I knew that you were there
yet, it did not feel quite real.
You grew and grew each day
but I did not know your soul.
Movements came all day and night
the connection was not there.
A thought of something extra
filled my heart with fear.

Each day I struggled endlessly
to know the girl inside.
I tried and tried
to no avail
to calm my racing thoughts.

One night you came.
I knew right then
you would not be the same.
As you struggled for your breath
I struggled with my pain.

You came into my arms
I looked into your eyes.
I was calm.
A smile formed.
But did not last for long.
I knew again
with certainty
you were what I feared.

A day passed by
without much thought
without much feeling
without much love.
I felt the need to run that day.
I felt the need to cry.
I felt that everything was lost.
I felt that life was done.

Then I saw you helplessly
laying on your own.
I grabbed your hand
and said your name
and cried for all your pain.

I fell in love that morning.
I fell in love with you.
I fell so deeply that despair
could never overcome.

I fall in love each day
with everything you are.
You teach so much of love
of being who
and what
you are.

Today I cannot possibly
imagine what I felt.
That day that was so numb for me
was fear and nothing else.

I do not fear you little one.
You do not have to worry.
I know that you have come to me
so that we can share this journey.

Thank you for joining us this month. I love you all!!!

two days

Of the two years that Kloey has been in our lives I have had two days with her that have been unbearable. Today was one of those days. I'm pretty sure she learned how to say no tonight. Great...

I mean, it's not like she's ever not adorable but today she was a bit of pill if I'm being honest. I'm nothing if not honest. This picture is actually from yesterday but this is what she was doing alllll day long. It was a bit exhausting. She'd cry for me to hold her. Then she'd cry for me to put her down. Then she'd cry for me to pick her back up. etc. etc. 

Sounds like any typical kid right? Right. She is learning all of these little games and how to get exactly what she wants. She'll be just as disappointed as Kourtney was to find out that we don't ever let them win those games. It's a sad day when they learn that. But they just keep trying anyway. 

She topped the night off with puking on my shoulder right after throwing a monster tantrum while I was putting her in the bathtub. I still can't decide whether she's sick or whether she just made herself super super upset to the point of throwing up. She was crying that hard. She was just sooo mad that I was trying to lay her down for bed. Goodness.

I have been lucky to have only had two of these days with her. I am counting my blessings because I sure can't say that I've only had two days like this with my first daughter!

Smiles

Can you believe that after this there are only ten more blog entries to go for Down Syndrome awareness month?!! Things have certainly been crazy 'round here but I have really been enjoying this.

The last couple of days I have been spending at home for the most part. Which means that I have much more time than usual to take tons of pictures of my sweet children. And Kloey learned something today....

SHE LEARNED HOW TO SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!!!!!

The closing of the eyes and everything. This is how she smiles for the camera. I was so happy!!! Every little thing is just so huge for us now. It truly is amazing how you start to celebrate every little accomplishment. And not just with Kloey, but with all of us! I love the love!!!


Time for picture overload!
We had family night in the girls' room tonight because honestly.... why wouldn't you? (wink)

Much love from the Hansen's

They are sisters meant to be

THEY ARE SISTERS MEANT TO BE

BY: STEPHANIE HANSEN

Into this family I came

without a warning to be sure.

My life would be much different 

than the one that came before.

A rocky start would test and prove

the love that would soon grow.

This journey now beginning

more complex than what you know.

A sister I was blessed with,

A sister I am to be.

Please let me show you about joy,

about friendship and charity.

For you I will do many things,

for you my heart is full.

I love you with a love so strong

nothing could make it null.

Never underestimate who I am inside.

As we grow together

our friendship cannot hide. --

A sister I am blessed with.

A sister I am to be.

I've seen just who you are

not how you might look differently.

I loved you with a love so strong

right from that first day.

I never wanted anything

but for you to stay.

We are sisters meant to be,

we are sent here to be one.

As sisters we will laugh and play,

as friends we shall be known.

And someday it will happen

that day will come too soon.

When you will feel the difference

that so many see in you.

I will learn that day, my dear

of what this journey is.

Our bond will not be severed.

This I lovingly promise.

Much love all!