Yes. The picture of exhaustion.... Kourtney came down with a cold, Kloey seemed absolutely fine. Kourtney got worse and Kloey still had a cold. So, I thought, I'll just take them both in just to be safe. Doc says, "We need to test the for H1N1"..... I'm sorry, for what now? I didn't think they were THAT sick. I was wrong. Kourtney tested positive and so did Klo... but Klo also had Pneumonia, strep throat, and a double ear infection. My baby was very sick.
Fast forward to the next day. 24 hours on 3 different antibiotics for both of them and breathing treatments for Klo and Kourtney was feeling much better. But my Klo was taking a turn for the worst. To make a long story short, you know it's bad when the doctor can't hide the fear in his eyes. He said she needed to be taken to the hospital immediately in case they needed to make some "hard decisions". I was there with her by myself, but not really, because in that moment I felt the Lord holding me the way that I've never felt before. I cried a little but I didn't lose control, and I didn't have a breakdown the way that I thought I might.
Three times this child has made me contemplate what my life would be like if I lost her. Let me tell you folks, there would be a hole in my heart the size of the ocean if I ever lost this baby. Of course the same is true for both of my children. But trust me, she is pure sunshine and happiness. She is love and acceptance. She is truth and knowledge. She is sublime.
This was the first two weeks of my new year. Eventually everyone got healthy and I thanked my Heavenly Father over and over and over again! Did I mention that these were the first two weeks of my new semester? Yeah, major suckville. Needless to say, I was gasping for breath while drowning in a sea of homework that seems to still be neverending.
And you should see my house!!!! Oh my heavens and stars. It's like someone came in and thought, "I don't want to steal anything. I just want to take all of their clean clothes, dirty 'em up, and strew them all about." Okay, so maybe half of them are washed and folded but zero of them are put away. I have giant piles in front of my washer, hampers overflowing with clean clothes, and NO time to put them away. I literally spend about 4 hours a day on Chemistry and I have accepted that getting a C in this class will be acceptable for me. If you know me at all, you know that I do NOT get C's. I am a straight A student. But you know what? I'd rather play with my babies.
And lately, I have been overcome by this intense feeling of guilt about spending so much time on schoolwork and housework and so little time just enjoying their sweet faces. My imperfections are overwhelmingly evident over the course of one day. But yesterday I looked at everything that I was doing RIGHT. And I just want to put it out there for all of the mothers that feel imperfect...
- I'm not a morning mother. My daughter kept asking me to make breakfast for like a week straight. Finally, I resigned to making cinnamon rolls at night so that I didn't have to start the day off with a guilty, less than perfect feeling. Did she know whether they were made at night or in the morning? Nope. And she didn't care.
- I was late to school yesterday (about 30 seconds but still lost 3 points for it) because I decided to snuggle my baby in the morning. Kourtney doesn't snuggle anymore but the Klo does, so I sat and enjoyed her warm softness.
- When I came home from school I goofed around with my husband instead of being cranky because of how stressed I was about all of my schoolwork.
- Kourtney went to dance class yesterday and I sat in the car and sang to Klo Bow during the whole thing. She thought I was pretty special for that.
- When we got home I made Kourtney's favorite dinner, spaghetti. I was her hero (never mind that it's one of the easiest meals on the planet... it's her favorite).
- Again, I ignored homework and got down on the floor with her to color a picture. I don't remember the last time I did that.
- Daddy got home and played with them so I finally got to do my homework and you know what? I got my first 100% on a Chemistry quiz. And I got all of my homework for the day done in record time. It pays to play.
- Because all of my homework was done I was able to sit down and watch a movie with my honey pie after the kiddos were asleep.
- We all slept through the night soundly.
Be the best mom that you can be. Take it day by day.
Much love!!!!!
