Photographic Day

Klo's day starts with breakfast and messy fingernails (naturally). She is a roamer while she eats. We cannot get this girl to sit for much longer than about 3 minutes. And that's quite the accomplishment.

Then we move on from breakfast to "helping" Daddy edit his videos. What really happens is that Daddy unplugs the mouse and keyboard so that Kloey doesn't actually touch anything but she still feels like she's getting a lot done.

Then we get out of our pj's and get all ready for school. Kloey LOVES school and she absolutely loves riding the bus. I was lucky that on the same day I decided to do this photographic project Kloey had a field trip to the pumpkin patch that I got to volunteer for last minute. Oh, she also lost her front tooth about 5 minutes before we got on the bus.

Our first activity was a "treasure hunt" in the corn. Kloey was not interested in looking for treasure. The giant box of corn to play in was quite enough for her, thank you very much.

She did not, however, take to picking just one pumpkin. In fact, there were so many to choose from that she eventually just gave up and made a break for the end of the pumpkin patch. Mom quickly had to choose one for her and then go catch her.

Luckily, we found the perfect one.

This is the whole preschool class that Kloey spends 3 days a week with. There is one little girl in particular that feels the need to love and protect Kloey. I am very grateful for her and the parents that have taught her so well.

Then we were off to the corn maze! Kloey tripped about 4 times but Mom had a hold of her each time and she didn't fall (thankfully). It was a little tricky for her but she never complained and stuck with it. This girl doesn't give up.

Miss Klo fell behind several times but that never stopped her!!! She kept trotting along!!!

The class decided to do the maze one more time but Mom knew Kloey was pretty over that tripping business, so we went to the slide instead. Good decision.

Then it was back to the bus. Kloey made Mom sing songs with all the way home. It's okay. She's the best at songs and she always claps for you at the end.

Kloey showed Mom where her cubby was and promptly hung her jacket up all by herself. It may have taken a couple of tries, but she did it!!!

Once we were back at home Kloey was more than happy to reenact her favorite movie scenes for us. This is a daily thing. Our home is one of the best theaters that I've ever been to. She's pretty stinkin' good too!!!

Then, as usual, Kloey is ready for a snack and her perch. Normally, when our basement isn't torn apart for repairs, her perch is on the couch downstairs. However, it is now the coffee table where she can have a prime view of the laptop that is propped on the fireplace mantle as a "television". She LOVES TV.

She watches several different things. She's really not picky. But the few that she can really recite are Frozen, Zootopia, Home, and Inside Out. She has her favorites.

Life with Kloey is beautiful, crazy, hard, fun, silly, and tiring. But, come on, look at that face. ... I could be biased.

I love this blurry shot. It shows these two doing what they do best, something they're not supposed to. Nutella sandwiches all over Mom's couch. Uuuggghhhhh. And not a care in the world.

Some days are really hard, guys. And some days are like the one above: pumpkin patches, smiles, nutella, and sibling companionship. We love our Kloey and love it when the hard work that she puts into everything she does finally starts to pay off. I hope you enjoyed a day in the life of Kloey. (at least half a day)

new stuff coming

I'm currently working on a photographic project for tomorrow's blog. I was hoping that it would be ready for today's blog but it's not. So, we're going to go back to a moment that I love and hold so dear. I was ashamed of it at first, that this particular milestone took so long to get to, but I can't do that to myself. Because every individual is different. Every experience is unique. Mine is no exception.
Here goes.

Kloey is 16 months old. For anyone that gets annoyed when mothers use the months and not just plain ol' years to tell their child's age... it makes a BIG difference at this time in their lives. What they do month to month is sooo incredibly different. So yes, I use months.
This month for the first time since we've locked eyes, I feel like I have finally met my daughter. Does that confuse you? It probably should. Since she's been born Kloey has been tender, sweet, full of love, just genuinely angelic. Honestly, that is pure truth. No gushing mama business there. It's fact. This time with her has been superb and pretty "chill". But she wasn't showing us any personality. Developmentally she hadn't reached that point yet, the point of discovering yourself. It's pretty basic to most... but it has taken her quite some time.

It started a few weeks ago with her discovery of the twin in the mirror. First: the "why hello there" look. Second: "You again...". Third: "What is this sorcery?". Fourth: "I gotta see this again". Fifth: "TO THE MIRROR!!!". She literally dives for it when she is in my arms. Oh, the giggles and chubby hand prints all over my bathroom mirror. But I love it! In all honesty it is MARVELOUS!!!

Next came the discovery of fighting sleep. She has NEVER done this. Oh goodness. I didn't know what was going on. Normally I just lay her down, give her a kiss, shut the door, and she's out for the night. A couple of weeks ago she decided she didn't wanna. So she let me know that she didn't wanna. That child SCREAMED! Granted, it was probably a whimper compared to most children's screams, but it was a Klo scream. Scared me to death I tell you! Sheesh! Now I know her game... but she isn't understanding the "cry it out" concept. It's warm milk and snuggles for that one.

And the fake crying. Oh, the fake cries. Anyone that has been around children in their life knows what I am referring to. But man oh man is it cute!!! The child has "cute" down to an art. Gets that from her father, I could never "cute" my way out of anything... probably not even to save my life. Jordan on the other hand... [insert eye roll]... yeah. The look of triumph and glee on her face when she wins you over with that fake cry == PRICELESS!!!

Then, she started to play games. Not a big deal to some. HUGE for us. I have been trying to get her to understand games... any games... for AGES. And now she does. Last night (fighting sleep night) she took her bib, pulled it over her head, and quickly pulled it down and giggled. I thought, "oh, it looks like she's playing peek a boo... what a coincidence.." and then she did it again, and again, and again. YAY!!! She WAS playing peek a boo. She got quite a kick out of that one. Her favorite game is one that she made up. I call it the "dive and snuggle". Basically she is sitting on my lap, facing me.. when she dives head first into my chest and snuggles into my neck, and then proceeds to burst into laughter. Cutest thing EVER!!! I don't understand the amusement she finds in it... but she definitely amuses me. I got that game on video... I will have to post it sometime.

All of this is so exciting to me for many reasons. Perhaps my favorite reason is that I can now see the child and not the Down Syndrome. How bad does that sound? Anyone that follows my posts knows that I adore this child. But this has been a struggle for me. To look at my child and want to see her for HER... not for her diagnosis. I have been so frustrated with myself... praying and praying that I would just focus on the sweet little girl... not the extra chromosome. Everyday it seemed that it was just a fresh sting. It was so hard for me to understand. If I love her, why can't I just let this go?

And then, it just happened. Three days ago to be exact. She started showing this bright, and colorful personality and I was so focused on that, on her, that I didn't think about Down Syndrome all day. As I was laying in bed I realized that I saw Klo for Klo. For who she is. For everything that I adore about her. I saw her through eyes that couldn't see a diagnosis. I saw her through eyes that were seeing her for the very first time. That day I grew even closer to my baby. And I have to believe that she did to me as well. Because there was no more wall. There was no more sting. There was just pure love. In that moment of realization my heart was so full of gratitude and relief that I nearly cried (but I was really tired). And for three whole days I have seen the baby. I have seen the giggles. I have seen the personality. I have seen the love. I have met my little girl.

 Nice to meet you little one.

She is us

Kloey just walked up the stairs to go to bed and wouldn't give me a kiss. Haha! I guess she was really tired. She did say bye-bye and blow me a kiss. I'll take it.

Tonight I really want to talk about how normal it is to have Kloey in our family. Since she came along more than 5 years ago she has been our normal. Our normal daughter. Our normal sister. Our normal friend. Kloey is Kloey; the only Kloey that we've ever known. We know her no differently than this.

She plays games with us. She watches movies with us. Kourtney loves to dance with her and play barbies or house with her. Joseph is her best frenemy. Those two can really cause some havoc 'round these parts. Either they're helping each other get to things they're not supposed to have or they're trying to reenact the movie "Sparta". There isn't really an in-between.

And sure, I struggle; Jordan struggles. But when asked if we would change Kloey neither one of us hesitates when we answer a firm "no". Because what would we change? Who else do we want her to be? Why would we take any of her spirit, personality, or light away from her? Take her extra chromosome and Kloey simply ceases to be Kloey. She would be someone completely different and none of us want that.

It wasn't that long ago that I was one of those people that feared any sort of "abnormality" coming into my life (a little more than five years). It is a scary notion. But I want everyone to see that we're not spending our days mourning over this extra chromosome in our lives (yes, all of our lives). We celebrate her. We celebrate her hard work and dedication, her love and devotion, and the sweet sweet spirit that she carries with her wherever she goes.

Milestones are super fun in our home now. ANY milestone. Literally, all of them. The above picture is one that I quickly snapped at the dinner table tonight. Kloey was drinking from a cup with no lid and did not spill once! Not one time!!! A milestone. A big one for us because we've been working on this for a few years now. She spoke to me today. Not just one word but a sentence. She said, "I want the pizza". Not so clearly but clearly enough. So, what could I do besides give her the pizza???? She definitely obtained pizza. Also today, she called me Mama. Only once. See, normally she calls us both daddy. But when I got in the car after school today, she pointed to me and said, "MAMA"!!! I was stupid excited and crazy proud. There were lots of milestones today :)

Kloey fits right in with us. She looks like us. She laughs like us. She loves to sing like us. She loves to dance like us. She loves just about everything that we do. And she's stubborn like us. In fact, she is probably the most stubborn out of all of us when she really wants to be. The girl has a big personality and an even bigger heart. We all love and adore her so much and could never imagine our family without our Klo.

At least one of them

Today has been a day straight out of Mommy hell... straight out of a mommy horror movie... straight up causing me to go INSANE!!! Part of this is due to school. Part of this is due to overwhelming amounts of neglected housework because of school. And still part of this is from tantrum-ing children. Oh. My. GOSH. THE TANTRUMS!!!!!

But really, folks. Why with the tantrums?

Joseph throws some that would rival even Kourtney's at that age. For those of you who remember that at her age, just picture the hell now.

Anyway. I digress.

Kloey. My sweet Kloey. Has only ever thrown miniscule "tantrums". No, they cannot even be considered tantrums because they are too short and too quiet. For this great blessing I praise the heavens above! Really though.

And that's the thing with my Kloey. While she does have more struggles and more difficulties and while those things are hard on all of us, she just doesn't act like my Kourtney and Joseph when she's upset. She really gets over it rather quickly. She cries and sniffles for a second. Wipes her nose with either her arm or my shirt (you should see me by the end of the day, folks). She forgives. She hugs. And she moves on with life.

Pure. Bliss.

I was really hoping that Joseph would get the memo. PAH! That didn't go the way I wanted it to.

My point here is that yes, life with Kloey is difficult. I have a really hard time sometimes. She has a hard time sometimes. Sometimes she is pretty aware that we're not understanding what she's trying to communicate with us and that's frustrating for her. But where there is hardship with Kloey it is made up in blessed ways that you may not even notice at first.

Like the hugs and kisses whenever you want them.
The snuggles early in the morning (waaaayyyy too early in the morning).
The no tantrums.
The endless smiles and giggles.
The forgiveness.
The tenderness.
The LOVE.

At the end of this day I held my Kloey reallllllyyyyy tight. Because she healed my soul. In that 30 second hug I realized that I was loved, that everything was going to be fine, and that it's okay to be me. 30 seconds for half of my puzzle pieces to come neatly back into place.

And that's my Kloey. A soul healer.

 Chocolate Ninja,

            Hey guys, it's Jordan, and Kloey's biggest fan! Oh man that girl. I tell you, she teaches ninjas how to ninja! Don't leave the doors open, not even a crack. She will know it, and before you can turn around, she'll be half way down the road! Unbuckle her seatbelt, and if you stop to unbuckle Joey she'll be in the drivers seat ready to go. Either that, or making a break for... you know, I don't know where she's been wanting to run.
           
           Chocolate. If you could vaporize chocolate, Kloey would breath it. She can stiff out a chocolate chip from the other end of the house. She climbs on the counter when no ones looking and Gollums a brownie pan quicker than I could have! Don't even try to open a pastry packet with this kid in the house, she knows that sound! In the middle of the night, you will start to to hear that, bump, bump, bump, of her descending the stairs because she will literally wake up from a dead sleep when we are cooking cookies or brownies.

            Watch your phone, especially if it's a low battery. If that's within her reach, it won't be in yours. Typically she'll turn out the lights and shut herself in the closet or in the bathroom. Sometimes in the pantry or under the table. You won't even notice it's gone until you hear little dings and chimes coming from under the bed. You better find it before it's dead or you'll never see it again! Today she had a full on conversation via emojis with Stephanies friend, until Kloey got a little too fancy with the emojis.

            A few days ago Joseph woke up from his nap a bit early so I had to go tuck him back in. I put the phone down on the counter in the bathroom while Klo was in the tub, and by the time I got back she was already swiping through google maps with the phone completely submerged. She had gotten out, snagged it and jumped back in the back in less than 30 seconds. This was all right when I was supposed to be picking Steph up from school. So I had to connect the vacuum up to the phone and suck it dry. Not the first time and won't be the last. Now I own a new phone that's waterproof up to 5 feet for thirty minutes :)  

            Well guys, now we know who trained Batman and Splinter. Enjoy your candy bars while you still can, I have a feeling she's been using google maps so that the day she escapes she can raid your homes!

                              -Jordan

It's been one week

I had a moment with Kloey yesterday, a moment that was too spontaneous to catch on camera and for that reason I don't think I'll be including pictures tonight. Because sometimes life is too genuine for photographs.

This moment yesterday was one that filled my heart. It was one of those realization moments, an "aha" moment. It was almost as if, for a brief time, I got a glimpse of Kloey as the incredible spirit that she is but without the worldly ideas of "normal". I truly believe that for a brief second I was being granted the opportunity to see her through God's eyes, to see His love for her. I don't think that any words can do this justice.

What's funny is that nothing very big happened at all. It was just a normal day at home and we were just doing normal things. Admittedly, I don't even remember exactly what we were doing that led up to this snapshot of time that I hope will be permanently carved into my memory. But I'll do my best to tell you what I do remember.

I was in the kitchen (seems like that's where I always am!) when Kloey came in and needed my attention. Naturally, she was not the only one in there pleading for my attention. There was a lot of chaos (I believe it was around lunchtime) and I remember being pulled in every different direction, even Jordan needed me at that moment. Normally, I'd turn to Jordan first to make sure that we're on the same page with the kids but for some reason I decided to look at Kloey first. Not anyone else. Just Kloey.

And I'm so happy that I did. When I looked down into her face I noticed that she was singing something. I couldn't quite make it out but she was so excited about this song that I just had to listen more closely to determine exactly what it was. Kneeling down and looking into her eyes to really see and hear her isn't something I normally do but I did it this time. That's when I realized that she was trying to get me to sing one of the songs that I made up for her and about her. She remembered them. And she found a way to tell me that she wanted me to have some fun with her.

And so I did. I stood up and we loudly sang her special songs (there are 2) at the top of our lungs, complete with crazy facial expressions and hand movements. It was so much fun. But my moment came right after we were done...when everyone was trying to swarm me now that I had stopped singing. I didn't let them. Kloey and I looked at each other and smiled and then laughed. This laugh of hers was different. Our connection for that one second was different. My heart was all hers. Her heart was all mine. But it was even more than that! Her eyes were pure love and happiness. Her smile was hope and peace. Her arms wrapping around my neck were security and safety. Her soul overcame her body and its seeming "limitations". I saw her. I saw her soul. And my heart overflowed with happiness and gratitude. I needed to feel that connection with her and it came at the perfect time.

You know, there are times when I feel that progress with Kloey is so painstakingly slow and I become discouraged. There are times when I think about the conversations that I want/need to be having with her and I get sad because we can't do that. And there are times when I wonder if she really cares that I'm even around because she seems so chill with whatever. But right then she was mine. Right then she needed me and she showed me that. Right then she showed me EXACTLY what I'd been needing from her for a long time: she knows me, she needs me, she adores me, and she loves me.

Tonight, as I'm typing this, I am so grateful that I took the time to ignore the chaos that was going on around me and focus on my daughter. I'm so grateful that she let me in to see her beautiful soul. And I am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.

Someday she'll be able to verbally express herself. Someday she'll tell me that she needs me, that she loves me. Someday she'll call me "mommy" instead of "daddy". Someday we'll have that conversation that I want to have. But for now, I will keep clinging to these moments that are so rare but so wonderful. Those moments that say, "I am here. Don't get discouraged. Don't give up. Keep going, Mom. I'm worth it."

..... And I know she is.

I'm so late tonight....

(From when my Kloey was just 3 months old)

I was reading in this book that my mother sent to me called, Gifts:Mothers Reflect on How Children With Down Syndrome Enrich Their Lives. It is a compilation of stories from women all over the place that have at least one child with down syndrome and how they feel about it and cope with it. One of the mothers shared a story about a couple who had their first baby. The doctor came in and informed them that the baby had Down Syndrome and esophageal problems. He was going to require surgery that had a mortality rate of 50%. He then said that children "like this" never amount to anything and become mere blobs so the surgery really would be for no reason. Basically it wasn't worth trying to save this child. AND THE PARENTS LISTENED TO HIM!!! They decided to not only not do the surgery but to withhold all nourishment. STARVE THEIR CHILD! The case went to trial and all the way up to the supreme court. Rather than say that the child had a right to go to a family that wanted to adopt it they ruled in favor of the parents' decision. The newborn baby boy was never given a name, never held tenderly by anyone that would love him, and never fed. He was put into isolation and starved. He died 7 days after birth. Because he was different he was killed. Are there really people out there that are so afraid of something/someone different that they would rather them die?!!

I know that this story is very sad and I do try to stay away from that on my blog but some things I feel just need to be shared. Of the women that get a positive prenatal test for down syndrome almost 90% of those women will choose to terminate their pregnancy. I found this extremely shocking.

My child is a joy. She reminds me a lot of my first daughter. Kourtney absolutely adores her little sister. She looks darling in her little clothes and we all enjoy dressing her up and putting flowers in her "hair". She calms at my touch and the sound of my voice. She eats like a little piggy sometimes. She has helped us to realize that different is good.. and pretty much the same. Different is not something to fear. Different is something to learn from. Take what is "different" and choose to grow from it. Choose to be the DIFFERENCE in a world that is so afraid of "different".

Sometimes she's my favorite

Our Kloey fills our home with sunshine. That is not an exaggeration. Since the day that we brought her home we knew that she was different than most children in the most wonderful sense. As a baby she was so quiet, calm, and peaceful. She hardly ever cried and when she did it was so sweet and so quiet that it was more pleasant to hear, really. And even though I did struggle a lot in the first year of her life, my all time FAVORITE thing to do was hold her, kiss her, and snuggle her. 

And I STILL feel that way!!! I'm not gonna lie, I love coming home to this child everyday. After a long day at school I know that when I open my door Kloey will be there to run towards me with a giant smile and arms wide open. I know that when I play the ukulele and sing she will (most of the time) join in and applaud very enthusiastically at the end. If I want to have a random dance party in the kitchen during meal prep, Kloey is my girl. And when I am sad or crying she is the first person to come up to me, rub my back, and tell me it's okay.

Kloey is unconditional love. Even when I have to discipline her (shocking, but she does indeed need it at times) she is always right back to being my best friend. It's true, she has her own fits and moments of beating up little brother. But they aren't many and most of the time they really don't last long at all. She is not perfect. We have plenty of struggles. But personality wise, this girl's got it down!!!!

She fills my heart with joy and love every single day. She reaches out to anyone she sees that is in need. She smiles a majority of the time. She is one of my best friends.

Because I always need encouragement

Here we continue with the fabulous month dedicated to such a special population of people... the community of Down Syndrome. OH, how I just loooove to be included in this fantastic group of people. To anyone that may be reading this because you are expecting a child with Down Syndrome and you just don't know what to do... I say this.

1. Your child is your child. The bond that you have felt with them so far does not change just because an extra chromosome has been thrown into the mix.
2. I know what it feels like to be so afraid of the unknown. I was just there. There are so many questions surrounding this new bundle of joy and so much apprehension.
3. The fear of the unknown is by far easier to deal with than the idea of losing the soul that you have created... the person that is FOREVER a part of who you are.
4. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for the pure joy and love that will fill your heart to an overwhelming extent each and every time you look at your new angel.
5. That pure love and joy will be radiating 10 times more from their eyes when they look at you (if that's even possible since your love is so overwhelmingly full).
6. You will learn. You will learn about patience. You will learn about unconditional love. You will learn about sacrifice. You will learn about acceptance. You will learn about life.
7. People will stare. People will question. People may be cruel. But then, those people do not matter and they do not belong in your life.
8. More so you will find that people will be kind and fall madly in love with your child.
9. You will cry sometimes. You will cry because you are sad. You will cry because you've got a long road ahead of you. You will cry because you are so very thankful to have been blessed with your sweet angel. You will cry because you are so proud of their accomplishments. You will cry because you could never imagine a life without them in it.
10. Strength. You will gain strength. More than you ever knew was possible. You CAN do this. It is so wonderful.

 Klo Bow and proud big sister Kourtney.

My Klo Bow sitting up all by herself. So proud of her. First time sitting up: 13 months old.

It was all so slow.....

Most definitely, the thing that surprised me the most was how slow the progress was with Kloey. We had to teach her how to do EVERYTHING. Every. Little. Thing. That was so hard for us to get used to. The very first thing that we worked on was getting her to hold her head up. She did that at 4 or 5 months, I believe. That was our first celebrated milestone.

We then started working on her next big milestone: holding her bottle by herself. This one took her forever! She finally got that at around 9 or 10 months. At the same time we were working on sitting up. She finally mastered that one at a little over a year.

Crawling came much later. She crawled when she was almost 2 years old. However, she did start playing games a little bit sooner than that. I tell you, it was so nice when she started to discover her own personality. She made up a little "dive and snuggle" game when she was about 18 months old and she STILL plays it with us to this day!!! She still makes the same face when she cries as she did when she was a newborn too.

Klo finally walked when she was 3 1/2 years old, consistently anyway. She technically took her first steps when she was just about 3. She just mastered climbing the stairs a couple of weeks ago, at age 5. She is now working on walking backwards, jumping, writing her name, recognizing letters, and pretty much everything to do with talking. She doesn't talk very well. But those of us that live with her get most of what she's saying.

For those of you that have followed my blog for the last few years, you probably realize that these first few posts may not be as fun, feeling, or witty as my posts normally are. Hang in there, we'll get to those. We've got an entire month, after all. But I do have a reason for these posts. I am hoping that this timeline, this history, might help someone. I know that if I had been able to read this when Kloey was a baby/toddler it would have helped me immensely. So, I hope that someone out there will find this comforting and helpful.

Our Bond

When I was pregnant with Kloey I had a very hard time feeling any deep connection to her. I didn't know her; I didn't know for sure that she had down syndrome. For some reason I struggled with this and I never did with Kourtney so it was a very new experience for me.

But I will never forget the love and overwhelming sense of protection that I got when I found out for sure that she had down syndrome. Isn't that funny? The thing that I was so incredibly afraid of throughout my whole pregnancy had just come to fruition and I reacted in the exact opposite way that I thought I would. Kloey was mine. Period. And that meant that it was now my time to hit the ground running and give her the best life I could.

Luckily, we all felt that way. Initially, I was nervous about how Kourtney would react to Kloey when we brought her home. But she didn't even notice (of course she didn't, she was 3) and she was just super excited to have her baby home. Since day one Kourtney has been phenomenal with Kloey. Sibling rivalry wasn't even a thing in our home until Joseph came along and took Kloey's "baby" status from her. And to this day Kourtney works hard with her little sister and explains to strangers or friends that her sister has down syndrome... and you better not have a problem with that.

Jordan went through a bit of depression after Kloey was born. It wasn't anything huge and I know that he is okay with me sharing that because I'm pretty open about my own struggles. Despite that small amount of time he came to be our rock. I've never seen a man love his children so much and it is absolutely NO different with our Kloey. He is the light of her life. In fact, she calls us both "Daddy". She won't bother to say mommy but she's got daddy down just fine!!!

Joseph is her best friend now... but we'll get to that a little further in our history since he came 3 years after she did. :)

But what are the first steps....

Bringing Kloey home was a challenge. I was incredibly overwhelmed by her diagnosis and I was incredibly intimidated by the oxygen tank and sat monitor. I remember those first couple of months of incredible anxiety and constantly waking up to make sure she was still breathing. We were very tired to say the least.

I think we were caught in a whirlwind of uncertainty and endless information and advice. Two weeks after she was born the therapists were contacting us, wanting to start right away. I thought, "therapy? That's crazy. She's only two weeks old, what could they possibly work on?" It began with evaluations, tests, and scores for my newborn. I didn't think much of it. Do you know why? Because that time was a little bit numb for me. 

But there was another side to my emotions and it's much happier. I absolutely adored my daughter. Was I crushed? Yes. Was I overwhelmed? Absolutely. Was I scared? I was terrified. But she was literally the BEST baby in the world. Kloey just emanated love and a sense of calm. If I was holding her I could feel so much love around me and I knew that somehow, eventually everything was going to be okay, that it would all be right in the end. I knew that I wasn't afraid of her. And I knew that I was completely in love with her. 

Do you know she was my only baby that took to nursing like she'd been doing it forever? Seriously. We had an amazing breastfeeding experience, she and I. She slept through the night from six weeks on. Now, my other two were frustrating nursers; we had a difficult time. They also did not EVER sleep through the night in their first year of life. It took our oldest four years to start consistently sleeping through the night. Geesh! 

I loved being around my little baby Kloey. I loved holding her, sleeping with her in my arms, nursing her, watching her sleep, just everything. Because when I looked at Kloey I was really looking at perfection.

Down Syndrome Awareness

I haven't blogged for a while and I'm admittedly quite out of practice. Maybe my words don't mean as much to you as they do to me, maybe they mean more. Maybe you'll read my blog and maybe you won't. I don't know. But I do know that I have something to say and I have a way to say it.

Down Syndrome is an inevitable and permanent part of my life. It has been for 5 years now. More accurately put: my daughter is an inevitable and permanent part of my life and she has been for 5 years now. If you will, look at the picture above and think about what you see there. I don't know what you see. But I can tell you what is there. That is me holding my baby for the first time since she had been put in the NICU the previous day. I had only held her once before that right after she was born. This picture is one of an emotionally distressed and incredibly exhausted (28 hours of labor, folks) mother of a newborn baby girl... a newborn baby girl with down syndrome. In this picture I am plagued with horribly conflicting emotions. My love for Kloey has known no bounds since the moment she was born. But my fear and anguish at the thought of what my life and her life now meant was overwhelming. I was terrified. But she needed me. So, my life with the inclusion of down syndrome began.

Family and friends rallied around us with love, congratulations, and support but they failed to realize one thing. I was drowning inside. My new reality was sinking me and I feel no shame in admitting that now but back then was a different story. She was my baby and I was supposed to be so happy and feel so blessed for such a special spirit as her, that's what I kept hearing. While I did feel that, I also felt suffocated, like I couldn't catch my breath. Life was running full speed ahead and I was still one mile behind trying to get the stitch out of my ribs.

It honestly felt as if I'd never be able to look at my beautiful child without seeing her extra chromosome and feeling immensely sad and guilty at the same time.....

Homage to my Mother (because she deserves it, dang it!)

So, our story begins, almost exactly 28 years ago to the day, when I burst onto the scene (almost quite literally) and graced the world with my presence. While I'm sure my mother's womb was quite comfortable, I've never really been known for my patience. Some things don't change. My dear mother wasn't expecting me for another 6 weeks but, you know, there I was just the same!

My mother has been the one constant in my life, the one person that I have always known will forever be there for me. My mother's story could be described as: passionate, tumultuous, heartbreaking, emotional, loving, kind, sacrificial, and oh so deep. There are things that I have been told, things that I have seen, and things that I remember from my childhood that have helped me, in my adult years, to connect with my mother on a new level: a deeper level. I don't know if she even realizes that. My mother was never afraid to show us how very human she was/is. I cannot count how many times in a day she would tell me that she loves me; no child can hear that enough. 

How many times did I crawl into bed with my mother during a midnight thunderstorm? Ironically enough, I now love thunderstorms because they bring a piece of my mother to me even though we are separated by so many miles. I remember scaring her half to death on several occasions while trying to wake her up in the middle of the night. She has endured endless teasing for those moments!!! And yes, I have now experienced the sheer terror of a tiny, delicate, creepy little hand grazing your arm in the middle of the night making you believe that all of your worst nightmares have been imagined and the monster under the bed has finally come to collect his dues. 

How many times have I seen this woman's heart break, shattered into 3 trillion pieces and watched as she, piece by piece and bit by bit, put it back together and emerged stronger than ever. Unfortunately, I know that I have been the source of that heart breaking for various reasons, at various times. For that, I am sorry. But, you know, she's got this resilience that I just cannot even fathom. She knows that life goes on, you cry for a bit, you learn from whatever it was, you put on your big girl panties, and you move on. She's a rock.

How many times have I compared my own mothering to that of my mother's??? Do you know that woman worked a full time job, ran children around to countless extracurricular activities, did pretty much all of the laundry in the house, cleaned constantly, and still had a hot meal on the table almost every single night??? Yeah.... I don't do that. Bless her. I didn't recognize everything that she was doing back then. My bad.

As I grew older I had to separate from my mother. No easy task. Our relationship has had bumpy times in my adulthood. Trying to adjust to life as an adult and not relying on your parents for everything is so much harder than anyone ever prepared me for. I love my mother. I miss her everyday. My heart literally aches for her on a regular basis. I call her whenever I can. But I so wish that I could spend every holiday with her, that she could watch my children grow with me, that she could see me, in my role as a mother, on a more regular basis. 

Here's some randomness to end our post:

• My mother never missed a single choir concert, dance recital, or any other performance. Ever. 
• Birthdays were a big deal to her. Some of my fondest memories are of her pulling me out of school during lunch on my birthday to take me to the restaurant of my choice.
• Sometimes my mom would skip her lunch hour to attend school functions, doctor appointments, or other important things. She was a full time working mother. But she never missed anything.
• My mother, sister, and I all cackle like old hens when we're together. Never fails. 
• My children know that their nana loves them beyond anything they could ever imagine. We video chat with her and sometimes I don't get any screen time. They take it all up. Two of my children can't really speak, but Nana doesn't care, she just lets them rattle on and on and on and on and on..... and they do.
• She has taught me to embrace my feelings and my emotions. This is so vital and so important. I love deeply and care deeply because my mother did. That is what I watched her do. 
• When I was pregnant with my first child, at the age of 19, I climbed into bed with my mother during a thunderstorm. No joke. And she just put her hand on my belly and told me she loved me and dozed back to sleep.
• My mother is not perfect but she is perfectly mine. And she is perfect for me. And I love her more than I could ever say.

So, thank you to my mother. The woman who gave me life, taught me to feed myself, dress myself, wipe myself, work hard, love myself, and how to be a mother. 

She deserves this shout out (she picked the title, even)! We laughed and laughed as she talked about how not one of her children had, as of yet, given her a public shout out this year. Silly me, I was doing things on a personal level. But who DOESN'T want a public shout out? To be told that they're amazing.... I do!!!! 

P.S. to my brothers: you crazy, technology-obsessed, funny boys.... You didn't call me on my birthday (2 days ago) and ya didn't call mom on her day/ get her a card (for the one who lives there). We get it... you texted/facebooked.... Mom called you little shits ;) And we laughed and laughed at your boy-ness!!!!

Love you all!!!!