No One Told Me...

I'm sitting here in my living, on my couch, staring at homework that needs to be done and dealing with a racing heart and another oncoming panic attack. Because it is night time, my kids are in bed, and this has been when my mind gives up the battle for the day. I've never been prone to anxiety or panic attacks, that's not the person I was. But it is now. At least for a little while, at least until this hole inside of me is at least a little filled.

I know that nothing that I am saying is making any sense to any one of you. You may have already clicked that little "x" at the top of this page. But if you haven't, just be prepared for the honesty of this blog. And, I would like to add, please leave judgment, blame, and negative comments to yourself. I've gotten plenty of those over the years and that is precisely why I am where I am right now. You have no idea how hard it is for me to be telling you this, any of this: what happened years ago and what's happening now. But if I can help just one person then this pounding heart and these racing nerves will be well worth it.

If you know me well/communicate with me on a fairly regular basis then you know that I have been withdrawn and "not myself" for the past few weeks. Typically, I'm a very social person, very "peppy", very upbeat, loves to have fun, sort of person. But that hasn't been the case lately because everyday has been an internal war for me for weeks. I don't know what exactly triggered it, the memories, the emotions, the pain. But something did. And it is very real. PTSD isn't only something that affects soldiers. I didn't know that. Until I realized that I'd been experiencing it for almost 10 years and most painfully so in the last month.

1 in 5 women in America are raped. That's a pretty high number. I am one of those "1's". And for 10 years I believed that what happened to me was my fault, that I was to blame for it. People who were very close to me even said things like, "how could you let this happen?" Gosh, I'll never ever forget that statement in particular. How COULD I let this happen? How could I let someone do that to me? What was I thinking? I must have deserved it. It wouldn't have happened if.... Maybe he wouldn't have if..... I wouldn't be dealing with this now if....

So, why am I only just dealing with this 10 years after the fact? Well, I did what most victims do: what we're told. We "get over it". We "move on". I pretended that it just wasn't a thing. I didn't address it. After all, it had to have been my fault, so I didn't deserve to get any sort of help. But, you see, if your conscious mind won't deal with something, then your subconscious will do it for you. About 7-8 months after it happened I started experiencing chronic pain. Anyone who knows me knows that it's gotten progressively worse for years. Every. Single. Year. My periods got extremely irregular and heavy and painful (sorry if that's tmi but I mean, really, look at the subject matter here). My depression grew deeper and more consistent each year. I lost "who I was" and just felt hopeless about everything. Nothing about me was good enough. I've not been a good enough mother, wife, student, you name it. There is constant self hate, self criticism, self blame and endless shame. I never felt "clean". I've developed obsessive compulsive tendencies while showering.

That's all been going on for almost 10 years, but I just thought that I was incredibly depressed/maybe in a not so good relationship. And while my husband and I have had our share of legitimate problems, he is no doubt a wonderful man and I am in a very safe and respectful relationship. But if I couldn't love, trust, or be with myself.... how could I with him?

So, what does that have to do with now? Well, I guess my mind and body have decided that it's time to deal with this "little" matter that in fact, is no little matter at all. Everyday for the past few weeks I've dealt with daily, vivid, horrible flashbacks. I remember more and more each day. There are so many things in my everyday life that "trigger" me, that send me into panic attacks or strong anxiety. Anything that reminds me of loss of control or vulnerability triggers me. My two youngest children trigger me, and that has been the hardest thing about this probably. I can't look at their vulnerability, specifically during diaper changes, and not be vividly reminded of that night. But I change the diapers, and I save the meltdowns for when they're safely in front of the television at least one story below me.

I don't trust myself. In my mind I have always been responsible for my assault and somehow that has made me dangerous to myself, in my own mind. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared that these symptoms, these intrusive thoughts, these flashbacks might never end. That they'll lead me to do something stupid. That they'll drive me insane. Logically, I know that this has to end, but it feels pretty hopeless in the midst of it.

Every night I curl up on the floor and sob: about how I'm ashamed, angry, scared, a horrible person, weak, anything that I can tell myself that is negative, pretty much. When I was first triggered, and I didn't know what was going on, I started to physically hurt myself. I won't go into details. I'm fine. I figured out what was going on. That was short lived and stopped immediately when I discovered what the heck was going on, even before so probably. But it happened. And that scared me. And that made me trust my body even less. Made me trust myself even less.

Here's the thing... he had no right to do what he did. to take what he took. He had no right to steal the joy of motherhood away from me. He had no right to invade my marriage, my relationship with my husband. He had no right to make himself a permanent figure in my life. And he had no right and no reason to take my sense of power, control, and trust in myself away from me. But that's what happened. It did. It happened. And I have to deal with this. I have to let this all out. It could take weeks, months, hopefully not years (I don't think it will take years). Because now, I'm ready to deal with it.

As a note: Jordan has been my BIGGEST support. He has held me on the floor (keeps asking if we can sob on the couch but there's just something about crying on the floor....). He reassures me that I am a good person. That what happened to me was NOT my fault, I did not choose it, I did not welcome it, I will not let it invade who I am, I will not let it define me. And he always, ALWAYS reassures me that I am safe with him. He has learned lately to ask before he touches me, to respect my boundaries, and to just listen without judgment or advice.

This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm not exaggerating. It really has been. It really is. But everyday I make even just that much more progress. Everyday there are little baby steps taken to heal from this trauma so that I can be me again. Someone that I haven't really seen in about 10 years.


If you're interested, I wrote this a few days ago:
A decade ago
I sunk to my low.
The place that I'd feared
that brought me to tears.
But I didn't know
that terror would show
its ugly, horrifying face
in such an awful way.

What right did you have
to steal me like that?
To rip part of my soul
from inside me?
Who gave you the power
to steal those few hours
that turned into years
and silent, lonely fears?

My body was stolen.
My soul was then broken.
But what did you care?
You'd won your token.
A powerless girl
had entered your world.
And apparently
no moral could stop you.
But it was too late,
my horror complete
by the time I awoke
and came to.

What you did to me
was horrifying.
But I pushed it down
and moved on.
Some form of justice
was served, that I heard
But I...
I was already gone.

And so for ten years
I've carried you here,
in my mind,
trying to hide you.
You ruined my heart,
destroyed all my trust.
I built a wall
that no one could part.

Yet here you are
with all of my scars,
with all of my fears,
and my nightmares.
But this time, you see,
I'm not the lonely.
Now there is someone who cares.

Yes, you moved on.
To you it was done.
No worries, no cares,
no regrets.
But you didn't win,
never again.
Now, I am the one with the power.

Although you're still there,
you'll vanish, I swear.
I'll release you,
you'll leave me completely.

Because you may not know,
being someone so low,
the power of love that's
within me.
I will love myself.
I'm of infinite worth.
The love I've been given
I deserve.

You stole my self worth,
it was gone from the earth.
I hated and blamed myself daily.
But no more.
It's through.
I'm relinquishing you.

Your power no longer contains me.


helpful link:
http://rapecrisis.org.za/rape-trauma-syndrome/