Lately I have been thinking a lot about this time last year when I was pregnant with my little Klo Bow.
There are just so many things that I want to say to that stressed and worried mother/mother to be again. Behind that smile you have no idea the thoughts and fears that were ever present and constantly looming in my mind. Instead of embracing the warning and taking the time to mentally/emotionally/educationally prepare myself I just spent months and months of denying. I KNEW Klo would have Down Syndrome. And I was so completely afraid of everything that I thought that would bring into my life. So, I wouldn't accept it. But it's not as if it is a very easy thing to accept... especially when you just have a feeling and no concrete evidence. It was still hard after the evidence as well. But here is what I want to say to my pregnant self and what I would like to say now in general...
-It is going to be very hard for you to deal with "losing" the child that you were expecting and planning for in your heart. It is going to be hard to stop the spinning in your mind when the doctor tells you that your sweet newborn baby is not "normal". It is going to be hard to realize that you wouldn't accept that when you knew it to be true. It is going to be hard... but it will be harder to see her laying under that incubator. It will be harder to see her hooked up to a heart monitor. It will be harder to see all of the pricks in her skin from the attempted iv's. It will be harder to see her with an oxygen tube. It will be harder to not be able to hold her right away. It will be harder to not get to spend your first night as mother/daughter in the first room together. It will be harder because you realize that this is your baby girl. This is the life that you created and you want nothing more than for her to be completely healthy and completely comfortable. You don't want her to ever be hurt or feel alone or unwanted. And yet, you feel helpless standing by and watching your baby go through all of this while there is nothing that you can do. Yes, it is best for her and it is saving her... but it is hard. Although you are trying to come down to reality and accept what is... you must try harder. Your baby needs YOU. You love her. You are committed to her. There's no turning back. It's go time.
You question what your baby will be able to do... how she will be different. Don't. You will find that every little milestone... every itty bitty one... will be so exciting! When she deliberately looks into your eyes. When she grabs your finger to suck on it the first time. When she starts to hold her head. When she starts to recognize you. When she starts to cry because she feels lonely. When she starts to "fake" cry just to get your attention. When she rolls over! When she rolls over again and again and again just to get to something. When she starts to coo and blow raspberries. You will be excited and incredibly proud because she works so hard to achieve these things. These are things that all babies do but Klo works sooo hard for sooo long to do them. She is a hard worker. She is smart. She is wonderful.
You will find that nothing can brighten your day like her pure joy in seeing your face in the morning. Her giggles may have taken a little longer to come but they were well worth the wait. She may not be sitting up, crawling, or walking but by golly she's angelic! Careful, she can see right through to your soul with those eyes. She loves you, you know. She always has, she always will.
She is going to do things that every child will do. Yes, that even means that she will probably talk back to you, tell you no, throw fits, and play mind games just like the rest of 'em. Prepare yourself. Rest assured if you're not prepared then she will just be able to "cute" her way out of anything. 'Cuz one thing's for sure... she is CUTE!
Every journey has difficulties. This journey is not exempt from its fair share of trials and hardships. From time to time you struggle with the basic diagnosis. But not often and not for long. Because all that matters is that she is your's... and you are her's. And the love you share is infinite.
