OH.... goodness

I miss my computer with all of MY pictures :(

We have to re-do the whole stupid thing.

Viruses suck.

I'm taking pics of my brother's girlfriend today.

She's pregnant and due like... tomorrow.

Well, soon anyway.

I miss my husband... he is working right now.

I love that even though to the world's standards we are really poor.... we feel very rich.

Kourtney is sooo smart.

We enjoy her more and more everyday.

I love laughing with Kourtney.

When she does something silly just to make me laugh it's wonderful

Then we laugh together as if we're the best of friends.

Her two year molars are coming in (and taking their sweet time at that!)

Poor baby is in a lot of pain.

Jordan and I have reached a new level in our relationship.

One of pure bliss.

One of unselfishness.

One of togetherness.

One of loveyness.

We did the cheesiest most wonderful thing last night...

We sat together on the couch, my head in his lap, and stared into eachother's eyes forever...

and then talked about the future, our love, our little family :)

We are blessed.

We love the gospel more everyday.

It's fantastic to try to remember the Lord in everything,

To serve others,

even if it's just to put a smile on someone's face.

We love it.

I love him.

We love life.

no computadora

We've had a virus forever now and we can't get anyone to come work on our computer! and actually, I'm not devastated about it. It's been quite nice to not have the distraction. We don't waste any time watching tv show, or facebooking, or blogging. I do actually need it sometimes for certain things but it has helped me to discover myself. I'm expanding my talents and I'm exploring new ones and I am absolutely loving it. I scrapbook more and I'm making other little random things... like a little music maker for Kourtney. It's adorable and I made it from a paper towel roll. It's cute. I'm singing more and I love it. My voice is not quite back to what it was in high school but if I keep practicing everyday it will soon be even better than that. I'm reading my scriptures more and it's absolutely wonderful!!! I've been reading about 13-15 pages a day. My goal is to be done by Wednesday of next week because institute starts on Thursday next week and we're studying the Doctrine and Covenants. So, naturally, I have to finish the Book of Mormon before I start studying the D&C.

Spending more time as a family has been really special. Kourtney is learning and growing so fast!!! She definitely has a mind of her own. Oh boy... don't get her mad. These fits that she throws recently are just.... WOW.. but we don't give in. She's two... she knows when something isn't acceptable. Another thing... she's so SMART!!! About 5 new words a day. She points out animals, she sings, she dances (she loves ballet, lol). You say... Kourtney do your ballet! and she holds on to the wall, lifts one leg and moves it (slowly) in front of her and behind her, like a pretty ballerina. So so cute. She also thinks she's smart enough to trick Mommy and Daddy. If Mommy tells her no she goes to Daddy and tries to get him to say yes. Yeah. It doesn't work. And she gets ticked. Oh well. She spends a lot of time trying to whine herself into getting her way and making us give in.... AAAaaaahhhhhh.... to be two. Well, she will be in about a week! A week!!! Two years old. I can't believe it. Where has the time gone?

I wish that I had some pics to put up... I have plenty of pics but I'm not at my computer. :( Bummer. Ah well. Until next time then.

ZZzzzz's

There are so many things that I wish I could do

I wish I could learn,

I wish I could practice and perfect.

I would love to give my all to my family.

I would love to be able to work,

to exercise,

to cook,

to sleep.

To go through my day without being a zombie,

with some actual energy,

with no pain and no pain pills,

that would be heavenly.

I'm tired. I hurt. and I'm sorry for putting my family through this.

This last week it finally hit me... I am a sick person.

For real though... I am.

If it's not my neck it's my immune system failing to do its job,

or extreme fatigue,

or extreme nausea.

Really?!!

I wonder, what does it feel like not to be sick?

Some people will tell me that it is my subconscious that is making me sick.

That I have some memories or feelings that my body won't let go of and that's how I cope with it.

I've had some people tell me that it's all in my mind.

The past couple of years I have listened to said comments and followed their advice and tried to "heal myself".

It didn't work. Not to say that it doesn't ever work. I'm sure that it really could work for some people.

Unfortunately for me... I'm not one of those "some people".

Suck.

So what now? I don't know.

At least I've come to the conclusion that I'm sick and that I haven't just needed a really long nap everyday for the past 2 years.

Yeah, I really don't want to feel like a zombie forever. I really don't.

*SIGH*

Rising Bar

Jordan is really encouraging me to start a little photography thing. Yyeeaaahhh... I want to, I really do. I just don't feel like I'm good enough. Or that my camera is professional-ish. I love love love taking pictures!!!!!! But, I don't know if I can really charge people for this... I have a lot of insecurities... I don't know. I'm not the most talented (nothing like some sister of mine *cough cough*) But who's comparing? ;) But really, I could really use some advice on this.

*SIGH*

Some days I kill myself with the pool full of emotions that seems to start overflowing. It is on these days that I am so full of emotion that I can't even seem to put it into a poem or even sing it out of myself. It's not anger, resentment, hurt, or anything negative. Today it is good emotion. If there is such a thing. Today I'm amazed at my child and my husband. Amazed that they are mine. Amazed that they love me. Amazed that my husband can walk in the door at lunch while I'm covered in icing (from icing his cupcakes) and smile that knee weakening smile and say, "You are so adorable". What?!! Oh just take me now!!! lol

When my child comes in and begs to lick the icing from the mixer it just makes me think of when she was so tiny and I never imagined her walking into the kitchen and asking for anything! She's beginning to be one of my best friends. Laughing with her is so special to me. When she gets that big toothy grin of hers and her nose scrunches. Then she puts her forehead against mine and we laugh together in a way I never imagined when she was so tiny! She dances with me and sings with me and we color together. This bond that I have with this tiny person... I just never knew it would be so wonderful!

Looking at pictures also brings emotions so strong that I can't put them into words. I know, I'm pathetic. But I can't help it. It kills me that I have two wonderful families, neither perfect, but both perfect for me. That's not what kills me. I think of them being so far apart from each other and me having to choose which one I will be closer to. Being here kills me. I miss the Hansen's. I really really do. Jordan's mother is my mother, his sisters are my sisters and the same for his brothers. (Though I only really know one.) When we go out there I'll miss my mother and sisters and brothers. There will always be a part of my heart in Idaho and a part in Illinois.

God blessed me with this crazy emotional personality. I'm okay with that. I'm learning to keep the emotions in check and to let them come out at appropriate times. That's a really hard thing to do. When it comes to emotions I'm a world away from how I used to handle them... even just a few months ago. No, I'm not perfect at it, not yet. :) I'm getting there. But I do love all of this feeling that I have. All of this love that I have. Cheesy maybe, but true. Running from my emotions will never work for me... so I won't do that. But these "good emotion days" really do work for me.

Shoes Like You

Sweet Daughter,

Why do you wear my shoes?

Because Mommy,

They're pretty and high and shiny too!

In them I clap around just like you do!

My child,

Why must you throw my clothes about?

Because Mommy,

Feel them! They're oh so soft and silky and fun!

How oh so yummy they smell!!!

Oh Cute Baby,

Are you really going through my makeup bag?

Look Mommy,

Do I look pretty? Just like you?

I've seen you do it!

I want to do it too!

Dear Child,

Please Don't! Not My jewelry!

So organized and perfect!

Oh Mommy,

I feel so big and gorgeous!

With flowers, beads, and sparkles all over.

Smell me! I have on your perfume!

Tell me I'm pretty Mommy

Sweet Child,

You are so pretty

But...*sigh*

Why Must You Wear My Shoes?

Because Mommy...

.... I want to be just like you!!!