Confessions of a Stay At Home Mommy

Sometimes.... I HATE hearing the word "Mommy" from a little voice that must be inside of my head b/c I hear it waaaay too much for it to be real. This is a hard job! Everyone talks about how wonderful being a mother is... and it is. I do love my beautiful girls very very much, I really do... but here's a few things that I would just loooove to get off of my chest. Enjoy :)

-My 3 year old is obnoxious.
-My 5 month old just wants me to hold her... aaaalllll the time!
-No matter how much I clean this freakin' house it's NEVER CLEAN!!!!
-The laundry is always there... it's like an annoying neighbor. When you ignore it then it just piles and piles until you just can't stinkin' handle it anymore.
-There are times when I wash and dry said laundry and it sits in a hamper for a week. Yes, a week.
-When I make cookies or brownies sometimes I eat more batter and dough than I do the finished product. Yep...
-I really really really want to swear sometimes.
-Having a mute button for my 3 year old is my biggest dream on some days.
-Eating healthy is important to me...so is just plain eating. Therefore, I will sit down with a toasted corndog that was not homemade but OH SO YUMMY!
-Sometimes Kourtney gets candy for lunch.
-At least 3 days out of the 7 days of the week involve me sitting on the couch (be it bouncing a baby, folding laundry, or listening to a very chatty preschooler) and dreaming that I am somewhere far away... very very far away.
-Most days I don't shower until at least 2 pm.
-To go along with the above... I wear lounge clothes most of the time with my hair pulled back and no makeup on... my poor husband. Luckily I am someone that can pull off the lounge look pretty well.
-I hate toys. If you're not stepping on or over them, tripping over them, or picking them up... it means you don't have toys in your house.
-Hearing my baby wake up in the morning is worse than hearing an alarm clock.
-Too much television is not good. But hey... sometimes too much television is the key to Mommy's sanity.
-My phone.. at times I hate when it rings and at others I just wish that it would so I could escape the insanity in my own mind!!!!!!!
-I cry a lot.
-I'm overwhelmed. Sometimes I just can't keep up with teaching, cleaning, laundry, bills, dishes, cooking.
-I really don't like my children sometimes. I really really really don't like them sometimes.
-After a long day if I have to choose between 10 minutes of alone time and a quick clean sweep of my house.. you better believe I'm choosing the alone time.
-My husband is wonderful. Being a mother without him would be impossible.
-At the end of my day, if my children are fed, happy, and alive... I've done my job.
-At the end of a bad day, if my children are alive... they are lucky.
-People that think I have all of the time in the world to chat, play, get pretty... I have some words for them.

For now this is what I have. There are times when my life is complete bliss. But let's be honest... I'm a stay at home mom. It's more difficult than bliss. These are my actual thoughts sometimes. I don't want to sugarcoat anything. There are times when I so want to shut my child up in her bedroom. There are times when I don't care what she eats... the baby is breastfed... I don't have to care so much about what she eats. There are times when I loathe hearing my baby stirring awake from a nap because it means that I've just spent my only 20 minutes alone cleaning instead of doing something enjoyable. I envy people that have a maid. Maybe if I had a maid then this would be a little easier... maybe. But really... this is a hard hard job. It really really is.

Nursing

YAY! After my breast milk dried up when Kloey was 5 weeks old I thought that we were done for. She was exclusively bottle fed for 3 weeks. I hated that time. Kourtney was bottle fed from 6 weeks on and that was okay. Formula is apparently what Kourtney needed and I was comfortable with that for the most part. I was never comfortable with giving Kloey only formula. So the journey to bring my milk back in started when she was almost 9 weeks old. What was needed: one supplemental nursing system (those things freakin' suck), Fenugreek (herb), hormone in pill form, Mother's Milk Tea, super good pump, a baby that will latch on to your breast while nothing is coming out, LOTS OF PATIENCE!!!
After one week I was pulling my hair out! The supplemental nursing system was soooo frustrating. She was sucking less due to lack of milk. When I would pump there would only be 1/4 oz. total. This was not going the way that I had planned. So "power pumping" began. 10 minutes on then 10 minutes off for one hour. Let's just say... OUCH.

Two weeks... I've given up on the nursing system. Screw that. Power pumping twice a day and then pumping at least every 4 hours. I felt like a cow... literally. Getting Kloey to latch on was getting better... I could tell that she really loved the bonding time. Hormone pill is being popped 4 times a day, fenugreek 3 times a day, and occasionally Mother's Milk at night. My diet revolved around my milk production.

Three weeks... 2 oz total from pumping!!!! YAAAYYYY!!!!! Kloey is starting to love latching on more and more yet she associates the bottle with food. That's rough.

Four weeks... She is being breastfed 1/4 of the time. A glimmer of hope!

Five weeks.... breastfed 1/2 of the time.... HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Six weeks... I feel like my production is slowing down and this is disheartening. I've been working so hard on this and I AM NOT FAILING!

Seven weeks... we're back up to 1/2 breast 1/2 bottle. yay!

Eight weeks... 3/4 breast!!!!

We stayed at 3/4 for a while because I didn't think that my milk production was sufficient. Three days ago I met with a lactation consultant and she told me to just try exclusively nursing her for a day. VOILA! It worked! Kloey has only been getting one 4 oz. bottle of formula a day for 3 days!!! This, my friends, was really hard work but I must say that it was completely worth it. The time that we are nursing is a cherished time for us. She watches me with her soul searching blue eyes. She plays with my mouth and likes when I sing/talk into her hand. She kicks her little feet... and sighs and coos and sometimes grunts. This is a special time of togetherness that I feel we really need. Way to go Klo Bow!!! You did it!!!

Kids *sigh*

Do you think that if we asked them politely to please grow up a little bit slower that they would listen? Yeah, I don't think so either.

Kloey is a Momma's girl through and through! Daddy is so great with her and loves her to pieces but when times get even just a little rough it's to our Momma we go! She has rolled over onto her stomach 3 times very much by mistake. Each time that she does this she is thoroughly surprised and equally distraught. Poor thing. She brings her hands to her bottle and will occasionally hold it... occasionally. She smiles when I nurse her. She smiles when you pick her up after her nap. She smiles when you look at her. She smiles when you tickle her. She smiles when you play with her. She smiles when she sleeps. She smiles when she eats. She smiles just because all she wants to do is SMILE!!! Ms. Kloey has never been much of a crier but lately she has been discovering her voice and the power that comes with it! Mostly her voice gets to its loudest and most upset when she would very much appreciate her mommy thank you! No pressure Mom.

Kourtney is a ball of fire! Never a lazy, boring, or restful moment with that one! I love this darling girl of mine but sometimes I want to shake her and tell her not to be so much like me dang it! She will not sleep... this she does not get from me but from her father. Bedtime is a ghastly thing! You would swear that trolls live under her bed and monsters come out of her closet. We have discovered a good trick for getting her to bed however. We now get to sleep before 3 am.
Her vocabulary is ever expanding. On the way to the grocery store this evening she informed me that "the moon is behind us Mom". Thank you dear for that very important piece of information. Then as we were getting into the car to go home she became somewhat upset and asked, "where are the groceries Mom???"... Whaaa??? For some reason this little question floored me. It suddenly hit me that she is no baby. She is a little girl. A little girl with an attitude. With independence. With spunk. With an imagination. With WORDS!!! With beauty. With sweetness. With love. With the incredible ability to make me love, question, laugh at, and yes... even kind of dislike her... all at the same time. She's quite talented. It's rather amusing. She also enjoys making her own ballerina dances up in the living room, or wherever she may be when she gets that sudden urgent pull to JUST DANCE! :)

Jordan and I are fantastic. He finally found a job that he enjoys. We have callings that we love. We love each other. We're pretty dandy.

Twenty-12

Every year I look back at the resolutions I made and tally up the points... let's see here...

-Potty train Kourtney = SUCCESS!!!! YES!!!!!
-Not gain a ton of weight during pregnancy.... well... yeah.
-Freakin' move to our own place = Done!
-Work out at least 3 times a week... that went well for a while... didn't last too long though.
-Read the scriptures more = I think I get points for trying here. This year has to be better.
-Hold Family Home Evening every week... what's family home evening?
-say more heartfelt/less rushed prayers = I believe that this has been accomplished.
-Be more patient and forgiving = I am much further along than I was last year... but this is still one of my goals (and probably always will be)
-Give birth to a strong and healthy baby = She is strong, beautiful, healthy, and smiley... SUCCESS!!!!!!!!!!!
-Give breastfeeding a good solid try = This one has been soooo tough. I had to bring my milk in TWICE!!!! But we're still going strong!

Not too bad I must say.

This year's resloutions are...

-Lose my baby weight!!!
-Be more loving, forgiving, patient (especially with Kourtney)
-Judge less
-Smile more!
-Much less computer time.
-More silliness and games with Kourtney
-Teach Kloey to hold a bottle.
-Teach Kloey to crawl.
-Make it to at least one year with breastfeeding (preferably 18 months)

I actually have more... but they are personal just for me goals. I love resolutions. New goals are new projects and adventures for me. They mean renewed motivation and determination. I love that!