ZZzzzz's

There are so many things that I wish I could do

I wish I could learn,

I wish I could practice and perfect.

I would love to give my all to my family.

I would love to be able to work,

to exercise,

to cook,

to sleep.

To go through my day without being a zombie,

with some actual energy,

with no pain and no pain pills,

that would be heavenly.

I'm tired. I hurt. and I'm sorry for putting my family through this.

This last week it finally hit me... I am a sick person.

For real though... I am.

If it's not my neck it's my immune system failing to do its job,

or extreme fatigue,

or extreme nausea.

Really?!!

I wonder, what does it feel like not to be sick?

Some people will tell me that it is my subconscious that is making me sick.

That I have some memories or feelings that my body won't let go of and that's how I cope with it.

I've had some people tell me that it's all in my mind.

The past couple of years I have listened to said comments and followed their advice and tried to "heal myself".

It didn't work. Not to say that it doesn't ever work. I'm sure that it really could work for some people.

Unfortunately for me... I'm not one of those "some people".

Suck.

So what now? I don't know.

At least I've come to the conclusion that I'm sick and that I haven't just needed a really long nap everyday for the past 2 years.

Yeah, I really don't want to feel like a zombie forever. I really don't.

*SIGH*