*SIGH*

Some days I kill myself with the pool full of emotions that seems to start overflowing. It is on these days that I am so full of emotion that I can't even seem to put it into a poem or even sing it out of myself. It's not anger, resentment, hurt, or anything negative. Today it is good emotion. If there is such a thing. Today I'm amazed at my child and my husband. Amazed that they are mine. Amazed that they love me. Amazed that my husband can walk in the door at lunch while I'm covered in icing (from icing his cupcakes) and smile that knee weakening smile and say, "You are so adorable". What?!! Oh just take me now!!! lol

When my child comes in and begs to lick the icing from the mixer it just makes me think of when she was so tiny and I never imagined her walking into the kitchen and asking for anything! She's beginning to be one of my best friends. Laughing with her is so special to me. When she gets that big toothy grin of hers and her nose scrunches. Then she puts her forehead against mine and we laugh together in a way I never imagined when she was so tiny! She dances with me and sings with me and we color together. This bond that I have with this tiny person... I just never knew it would be so wonderful!

Looking at pictures also brings emotions so strong that I can't put them into words. I know, I'm pathetic. But I can't help it. It kills me that I have two wonderful families, neither perfect, but both perfect for me. That's not what kills me. I think of them being so far apart from each other and me having to choose which one I will be closer to. Being here kills me. I miss the Hansen's. I really really do. Jordan's mother is my mother, his sisters are my sisters and the same for his brothers. (Though I only really know one.) When we go out there I'll miss my mother and sisters and brothers. There will always be a part of my heart in Idaho and a part in Illinois.

God blessed me with this crazy emotional personality. I'm okay with that. I'm learning to keep the emotions in check and to let them come out at appropriate times. That's a really hard thing to do. When it comes to emotions I'm a world away from how I used to handle them... even just a few months ago. No, I'm not perfect at it, not yet. :) I'm getting there. But I do love all of this feeling that I have. All of this love that I have. Cheesy maybe, but true. Running from my emotions will never work for me... so I won't do that. But these "good emotion days" really do work for me.