Sunday, October 9, 2016

It's been one week

I had a moment with Kloey yesterday, a moment that was too spontaneous to catch on camera and for that reason I don't think I'll be including pictures tonight. Because sometimes life is too genuine for photographs.

This moment yesterday was one that filled my heart. It was one of those realization moments, an "aha" moment. It was almost as if, for a brief time, I got a glimpse of Kloey as the incredible spirit that she is but without the worldly ideas of "normal". I truly believe that for a brief second I was being granted the opportunity to see her through God's eyes, to see His love for her. I don't think that any words can do this justice.

What's funny is that nothing very big happened at all. It was just a normal day at home and we were just doing normal things. Admittedly, I don't even remember exactly what we were doing that led up to this snapshot of time that I hope will be permanently carved into my memory. But I'll do my best to tell you what I do remember.

I was in the kitchen (seems like that's where I always am!) when Kloey came in and needed my attention. Naturally, she was not the only one in there pleading for my attention. There was a lot of chaos (I believe it was around lunchtime) and I remember being pulled in every different direction, even Jordan needed me at that moment. Normally, I'd turn to Jordan first to make sure that we're on the same page with the kids but for some reason I decided to look at Kloey first. Not anyone else. Just Kloey.

And I'm so happy that I did. When I looked down into her face I noticed that she was singing something. I couldn't quite make it out but she was so excited about this song that I just had to listen more closely to determine exactly what it was. Kneeling down and looking into her eyes to really see and hear her isn't something I normally do but I did it this time. That's when I realized that she was trying to get me to sing one of the songs that I made up for her and about her. She remembered them. And she found a way to tell me that she wanted me to have some fun with her.

And so I did. I stood up and we loudly sang her special songs (there are 2) at the top of our lungs, complete with crazy facial expressions and hand movements. It was so much fun. But my moment came right after we were done...when everyone was trying to swarm me now that I had stopped singing. I didn't let them. Kloey and I looked at each other and smiled and then laughed. This laugh of hers was different. Our connection for that one second was different. My heart was all hers. Her heart was all mine. But it was even more than that! Her eyes were pure love and happiness. Her smile was hope and peace. Her arms wrapping around my neck were security and safety. Her soul overcame her body and its seeming "limitations". I saw her. I saw her soul. And my heart overflowed with happiness and gratitude. I needed to feel that connection with her and it came at the perfect time.

You know, there are times when I feel that progress with Kloey is so painstakingly slow and I become discouraged. There are times when I think about the conversations that I want/need to be having with her and I get sad because we can't do that. And there are times when I wonder if she really cares that I'm even around because she seems so chill with whatever. But right then she was mine. Right then she needed me and she showed me that. Right then she showed me EXACTLY what I'd been needing from her for a long time: she knows me, she needs me, she adores me, and she loves me.

Tonight, as I'm typing this, I am so grateful that I took the time to ignore the chaos that was going on around me and focus on my daughter. I'm so grateful that she let me in to see her beautiful soul. And I am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.

Someday she'll be able to verbally express herself. Someday she'll tell me that she needs me, that she loves me. Someday she'll call me "mommy" instead of "daddy". Someday we'll have that conversation that I want to have. But for now, I will keep clinging to these moments that are so rare but so wonderful. Those moments that say, "I am here. Don't get discouraged. Don't give up. Keep going, Mom. I'm worth it."

..... And I know she is.

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