A little...

baffled.

(As I wrote this I did not have any ill feelings toward anyone. This is all truth. In my mind I was not shouting. I was not angry. I was not aiming to hurt or point fingers at anyone. I am simply pouring out my heart and sincerely baffled.)

I must say that my feelings have been hurt. Let me start by saying that I know that I am EXTREMELY imperfect. I am flawed. But may I just ask... who is not? Am I a tad emotional? a bit irrational at times? ultra sensitive? kind of judgmental? a bit anxious? seemingly overprotective of my children? Do I at times fight with my husband? yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.

Can I just ask though... Why would anyone wonder aloud why my husband is with me? To me that is just downright rude and particularly hurtful. I was really not aware that I needed to become perfect before I married Jordan. I do believe that he was pretty aware of the fact that I am NOWHERE near perfect when he asked me to marry him.

Let me just assure anyone who may be reading this entry. This is not aimed towards anyone. I honestly don't know who said this. I just know that it has been said numerous times and this knowledge came to me sort of in passing during a conversation. No names were ever mentioned. But if I could say something to those people (or that person... I really don't know) it would be this...

First of all, okay. I understand where you're coming from. Please understand where I'm coming from. Just remember that no one is more aware of my faults and flaws than I am. I am my own worst critic. That is no lie.

Secondly. If you are under the impression that I am the ONLY flawed person in my relationship than you are so sorely mistaken. Jordan is fantastic... but NOT perfect. If he was perfect he would not be here.

Also. as I mentioned my faults above let me just clarify something. There are times when my feelings or emotions are irrational and kind of silly. I do admit that. However, they are not ALWAYS irrational or silly. And sometimes my husband does hurt my feelings or say something insensitive or disregard my feelings. The man IS human after all. So if you see us fight... most likely it's not JUST me. It does take 2 to fight. You don't know what's going on in our relationship. You don't know what I've done... what Jordan has done. You really don't know!

Something more. I love my husband more than anything on this earth. My children run a close second true enough. But my husband is my all! Without Jordan I would be lost. But let me assure you... He feels the same about me...I am his wife. I make him happy. He makes me happy. We're so happy that sometimes it bugs people. Of course there are times when it's not pure bliss... would we be human if we were just constantly happy and never fought? We at least wouldn't be completely happy with each other because we obviously would feel as if we couldn't be completely free with the other person.

My point. We are trying. I am trying. Everyday I try to become a better person. I try to smile more. to be more positive. to be more friendly. to be a better mother. to be a better wife. to be a better Latter-Day Saint. to be a better daughter. a better daughter in law. a better sister. a better sister in law. a better friend. Everyday I strive to be closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior. Most days I fall incredibly short of the type of person that I know I want to be. But in order for me to let go and move on from the mistakes of my past... others must let go and move on. I KNOW that I am flawed. I KNOW that I am NOT perfect. Trust me, I tell myself these things so often that I really don't need others to tell me at all. If you think that I'm not good enough for Jordan.. Sometimes I feel that way as well. Truth be told he is an INCREDIBLE person. He is a good person. But just ponder this for one moment if you will... Do you think that he would have married me if he thought that I WASN'T a good person? He loves me for many many reasons. But believe me when I say.... most of it is not the world's business.

All that anyone needs to know is that he chose me.. and I chose him. We try everyday to be better people because neither of us is perfect. We are so happy together. And I really don't like being judged by people who are on the outside looking in. Whoever you are... I am sorry that I have given you such a bad impression of myself. Just remember... YOU ARE FLAWED TOO. You must be... or else you wouldn't be here. But you are loved even with your flaws. Remember that too.