....

I felt that there couldn't be a title to this b/c there is no title for my emotions right now. We are more poor than we've ever ever been. And, strangely, happier than we've ever been. But I'm still scared. We moved down here b/c jordan had a job... then he didn't. And now he's having a very hard time finding one. I'm not blaming him. I see how hard he's trying and exhausting himself looking and applying and calling all of these places. He said he's not very far from going to McDonald's. Bless him. I know he would if he had to. I just really pray that someone gives him a job soon. I watch him, how distressed and down he looks when he stares off into space. I don't tell him how scared I am. For him I am optimistic and hopeful... and most of the time I am... but sometimes it's too much for me. When he leaves I cry. I cry b/c I'm scared, b/c I'm lonely, b/c things are unsure, and just b/c. I want more and more to go home. Yet I know that's not an option right now. Maybe someday we will land back there. I hope that we do. I don't feel at home out here.

Most often though, I am happy beyond happy. Jordan and I are lucky to have eachother. Lucky to have Kourtney Bear. Lucky to have another little one safely tucked within me for now. :) Surprisingly, my emotions don't get the best of me most of the time. That is especially shocking due to the fact that I'm pretty pregnant right now. Which means I should be pretty emotional. But I feel less emotional right now than I normally do.

Not to mention, I've learned a lot about myself, about us, about life in the past few months. For instance, the past few years I've been so worried about money... how we're going to make it, how much we're going to make, wanting to be more than just comfortable. And I realize that doesn't matter. Money doesn't matter. It's necessary... which sucks. But being rich is not what this life is about. Joy, happiness, learning to live the gospel, keep the commandments, serve others, not complain... that is what life is about. Well, there's plenty more but I can't list them all. Strangely, none of them involve being rich. Be humble. Love others. Remember your Savior. Teach your children. Yes, I cry sometimes... but I am happy. And I do know that Jordan will get a job, he always does. For his sake I just hope that it's soon. I hate to see hopelessness in his eyes. I love him too much for that. We may never be rich and have all the worldly possessions that everyone craves.. but I have a righteous, spiritual, great man. A man that is a great father, who loves me, supports me, encourages me, and works hard for me. He takes care of this sick, painful body of mine without ever once complaining about it. He loves the Lord and keeps me on the right track. That, my friends, is so much more important than any amount of money. It feels good to realize how blessed I am. Even though it may look, from the outside, that I'm not very blessed at all.

I AM.