....

I felt that there couldn't be a title to this b/c there is no title for my emotions right now. We are more poor than we've ever ever been. And, strangely, happier than we've ever been. But I'm still scared. We moved down here b/c jordan had a job... then he didn't. And now he's having a very hard time finding one. I'm not blaming him. I see how hard he's trying and exhausting himself looking and applying and calling all of these places. He said he's not very far from going to McDonald's. Bless him. I know he would if he had to. I just really pray that someone gives him a job soon. I watch him, how distressed and down he looks when he stares off into space. I don't tell him how scared I am. For him I am optimistic and hopeful... and most of the time I am... but sometimes it's too much for me. When he leaves I cry. I cry b/c I'm scared, b/c I'm lonely, b/c things are unsure, and just b/c. I want more and more to go home. Yet I know that's not an option right now. Maybe someday we will land back there. I hope that we do. I don't feel at home out here.

Most often though, I am happy beyond happy. Jordan and I are lucky to have eachother. Lucky to have Kourtney Bear. Lucky to have another little one safely tucked within me for now. :) Surprisingly, my emotions don't get the best of me most of the time. That is especially shocking due to the fact that I'm pretty pregnant right now. Which means I should be pretty emotional. But I feel less emotional right now than I normally do.

Not to mention, I've learned a lot about myself, about us, about life in the past few months. For instance, the past few years I've been so worried about money... how we're going to make it, how much we're going to make, wanting to be more than just comfortable. And I realize that doesn't matter. Money doesn't matter. It's necessary... which sucks. But being rich is not what this life is about. Joy, happiness, learning to live the gospel, keep the commandments, serve others, not complain... that is what life is about. Well, there's plenty more but I can't list them all. Strangely, none of them involve being rich. Be humble. Love others. Remember your Savior. Teach your children. Yes, I cry sometimes... but I am happy. And I do know that Jordan will get a job, he always does. For his sake I just hope that it's soon. I hate to see hopelessness in his eyes. I love him too much for that. We may never be rich and have all the worldly possessions that everyone craves.. but I have a righteous, spiritual, great man. A man that is a great father, who loves me, supports me, encourages me, and works hard for me. He takes care of this sick, painful body of mine without ever once complaining about it. He loves the Lord and keeps me on the right track. That, my friends, is so much more important than any amount of money. It feels good to realize how blessed I am. Even though it may look, from the outside, that I'm not very blessed at all.

I AM.

Energy sucking

HOLA!!! From the Hansen's!

Kourtney says hola (thank you Dora) and she also counts to five (ocassionally ten in spanish) all thanks to Dora. We were blown away the first time she did it. Took us completely by surprise.

Anyhoo. We are in our new home! I don't like it as much as our last place but it's pretty nice. I miss my family and friends a lot. I try not to talk to Jordan too much about it though. He knows that I'm struggling and he has told me several times how bad he feels. I don't want him to feel bad for it. We made this decision together. No matter how hard it is... I know that I always have him.

So, being pregnant. This time around is completely different than the last time. I had a dream that we had a healthy baby boy. I dreamt that Kourtney was a girl.... so maybe, we will see. We really don't have a preference as to the gender though. I definitely have more energy this time than I did with Kourtney. Working out 4 times a week is something I would have never been able to do when pregnant with her. It makes me feel good to be able to do that this time. I'M HUNGRY ALLLLL THE TIME! I hate it. It's terrible. I don't want to eat anymore. I wish it would stop already. Jordan keeps telling me to just listen to my body... trust me... if it were him he'd be begging for it to go away. It really is extremely annoying to be hungry all the time. My body must have decided that there wasn't enough fat on it... so it needs to stock up or something. Blegh. And my hip!!!! Always the left one!!! Sometimes it will hurt soooo much that I can't move, stand, walk, anything!!!! What's with that??? And I'm tired of peeing 3 million times a night.

Oddly enough though, I don't regret this decision at all. I did tell Jordan though that it will be at least 4 years before we have another. My body already hurts all over without being pregnant... this magnifies it.

So, Jordan is having a hard time finding a job. Bless him... he was out for 9 hours total yesterday looking and applying for jobs. He came home looking so exhausted. I felt so bad for him (and it's not as if I had an easy day)... he looked worse than I felt... and, trust me, that's saying something. Poor guy. I know that he will find something... but I know that it must be hard to not be having any immediate luck. He's really stepping up and showing how strong and smart he is. I think he's wonderful.

Potty training sucks. All day long Kourtney cried and begged for her diaper (crazy!). She peed on the potty once. Peed the bed when she took a nap.... okay no biggy. Just wash the sheets. Unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper and stuffed it into the toilet and proceeded to sing a triumphant song of, "I DID IT! I DID IT!" That was a fun mess to clean up. Then tried to flush my nail files down the toilet. Had to fish those out... wonderful. I chased her all day, putting her on the potty every 20 minutes.... she pooped on the floor. Weasel. That was gross. Ended the night with a nice pee on one of the kitchen chairs. She went to bed in a diaper. Most people say that children don't like diapers... my kid apparently prefers them. .... I fell asleep at 9:30 last night. It was a long day. So... when I say that Jordan looked worse than I felt... that's a big deal.

ABOVE: Kourtney's choice of meal.... all the time... the peanut butter sandwich. She now has to eat something else before she gets the sandwich.

*Sigh*