Down Syndrome Awareness

I haven't blogged for a while and I'm admittedly quite out of practice. Maybe my words don't mean as much to you as they do to me, maybe they mean more. Maybe you'll read my blog and maybe you won't. I don't know. But I do know that I have something to say and I have a way to say it.

Down Syndrome is an inevitable and permanent part of my life. It has been for 5 years now. More accurately put: my daughter is an inevitable and permanent part of my life and she has been for 5 years now. If you will, look at the picture above and think about what you see there. I don't know what you see. But I can tell you what is there. That is me holding my baby for the first time since she had been put in the NICU the previous day. I had only held her once before that right after she was born. This picture is one of an emotionally distressed and incredibly exhausted (28 hours of labor, folks) mother of a newborn baby girl... a newborn baby girl with down syndrome. In this picture I am plagued with horribly conflicting emotions. My love for Kloey has known no bounds since the moment she was born. But my fear and anguish at the thought of what my life and her life now meant was overwhelming. I was terrified. But she needed me. So, my life with the inclusion of down syndrome began.

Family and friends rallied around us with love, congratulations, and support but they failed to realize one thing. I was drowning inside. My new reality was sinking me and I feel no shame in admitting that now but back then was a different story. She was my baby and I was supposed to be so happy and feel so blessed for such a special spirit as her, that's what I kept hearing. While I did feel that, I also felt suffocated, like I couldn't catch my breath. Life was running full speed ahead and I was still one mile behind trying to get the stitch out of my ribs.

It honestly felt as if I'd never be able to look at my beautiful child without seeing her extra chromosome and feeling immensely sad and guilty at the same time.....