Talking the "talk"

It happened..... Mom and Dad weren't careful enough (meaning Dad forgot to lock the door...!!!)... and she walked in............................................................

So.... that killed my mood! Bahaha!!! She opens the door, says "OH!!" and goes to shut the door as I look at Jordan and say, "YOU DIDN'T LOCK IT?!!!" To which she promptly responds by opening the door and in a very awkward voice proceeds to say, "I will lock it.." "No! Kourtney just go!" came out of my mouth by that point.... And then I couldn't stop giggling. Because anyone who knows me, knows that when things get awkward I giggle.... uncontrollably (4th grade spelling bee).

She walked in on us when she was 3 but had no idea what was going on, but this time I knew it was different. She knew. I knew she knew. Jordan was in denial..."we can just tell her we were sleeping".... yeah. He could handle the "how do babies get out of the tummy talk" but this was just too much for the man. He jumped right in the shower as I said, "We're gonna have to tell her". Coward.

I have to admit that I did hang out in the bathroom for a little bit mulling over what the heck I was going to say to an almost 6 year old about sex. I decided to be completely honest. Just tell her the basics and make sure I didn't make it awkward. After all, I want her to know that sex is not a "taboo" subject that she can never come to me about. For her to feel comfortable with me is super important. So I took the plunge...

She sees me. She looks away. She says, "I just need you to get me some food." Yep. This isn't awkward. Pray for strength. "Kourtney, we have to talk about what you just saw." "...okaaayy."

We sit down at the kitchen table and I have to remind myself multiple times to NOT BE AWKWARD!!! So we begin. I started by naming the anatomy. Use the real names folks, don't be afraid to tell them what they really are, say it with me, "penis and vagina"... very good.

Now that that was out of the way it was time to explain marriage. Yes, I am teaching my child to wait until marriage. I do not need "advice" or comments about this being "old fashioned" or whatever else you may think. This is how we're teaching them. Then I explain that when you're married it is okay for your husband to see your vagina...

She was quite shocked by this revelation! And then, all of a sudden, I knew how to say it! The penis and the vagina can come together and that is called "sex". "Sex?" "Yes. sex." BOOM! explanation given and accepted. "Kourtney, do you have any questions?..." "No... wait, yes.... can you get me some food." Ladies and gentlemen a round of applause please. Not only did I do it, but I did with grace!

Jordan can tell Joseph when he asks. I'll handle Klo Bow.

Dropping off

Five months it has been since I last graced the "pages" of my dearly beloved blog. And here I find myself nearly into my third trimester of my third pregnancy. Here I find myself realizing that so much has happened in the last five months that it would be completely impossible for me to put it all into words. Perhaps I'll give it a shot... or at least some of it. We're not running a reality show for goodness' sake.

Sometime at the beginning of February we found out that I was expecting our third child. Quite exciting to be sure, as we had been trying for a year. That may not seem unusual to some, but to us it was quite different from our previous experiences. Within a couple of weeks came the usual morning sickness, fatigue, blah blah blah. I don't think that's news to any mama's out there. But then something else started to happen. At 8 weeks came the bleeding. Never had I experienced this with my other two pregnancies and I was extremely frightened. This was accompanied by severe cramping and pain in my lower abdomen. Naturally, we headed to the hospital (because these things can never happen during the day. They have to happen in the dead of night of course!)

An ultrasound showed that baby was fine, such a little peanut he was at that time (we had no idea it was a boy). But obviously not everything was quite right. So began our adventurous journey with more than ten ultrasounds and three doctors pulling us through this wagon ride of anxiety! I kept hearing "Goodness, I will just breathe so much easier once we get you to 26 weeks!" Thanks Doc... not making me feel superb here, but now I have a goal in mind. 26 weeks here we come!

I have to admit that seeing my boy on ultrasound so many times has helped me to get to know him so well I feel. Oh, but I'm forgetting to tell you what was going on. Silly me. My placenta seems to want to detach from my uterus. There was a large hemorrhage that was threatening abruption, and part of it had torn partially from the wall. This came with several other placenta "lakes" as they are called, small pockets of blood throughout the placenta. Extremely painful for me! Man oh man!!!

But my little guy is a fighter! I knew it from the very beginning. This kid was not giving up. And while I was (and am) very thankful for that I have to admit that sometimes I was in so much pain that I just thought, "what if it just ended. Right now. Would I be sorry?" And of course I would have been. There is no doubt about that.

I felt his first kicks at 9 weeks. Yes 9. And I knew that he was a boy. I just knew it. At 13 weeks we had an ultrasound that very much confirmed my suspicion. By that time he was doing all sorts of tricks inside of my belly. By about 20 weeks Jordan and the girls could watch and feel has he moved, kicked, and squirmed. It is still one of their favorite pastimes.

Today I am more than 26 weeks along, and so we are all "breathing easy". The hemorrhage has turned into a sizable but much less dangerous clot. I now have two other clots as well. But for right now, things are going well. There is a chance that my placenta could tear away because of those clots, as the baby gets bigger. But we're just taking it one day at a time. I have a strong feeling that this kid will hang on to the end.

By the way... his name is Joseph.

Our new year so far....

Hello friends! Been a while, no? I have 2 seconds of peace and quiet and am all caught up on homework for the moment (a brief moment to be certain). How is 2014 for you? For me it's gone a bit like this:

Yes. The picture of exhaustion.... Kourtney came down with a cold, Kloey seemed absolutely fine. Kourtney got worse and Kloey still had a cold. So, I thought, I'll just take them both in just to be safe. Doc says, "We need to test the for H1N1"..... I'm sorry, for what now? I didn't think they were THAT sick. I was wrong. Kourtney tested positive and so did Klo... but Klo also had Pneumonia, strep throat, and a double ear infection. My baby was very sick.

Fast forward to the next day. 24 hours on 3 different antibiotics for both of them and breathing treatments for Klo and Kourtney was feeling much better. But my Klo was taking a turn for the worst. To make a long story short, you know it's bad when the doctor can't hide the fear in his eyes. He said she needed to be taken to the hospital immediately in case they needed to make some "hard decisions". I was there with her by myself, but not really, because in that moment I felt the Lord holding me the way that I've never felt before. I cried a little but I didn't lose control, and I didn't have a breakdown the way that I thought I might. 

Three times this child has made me contemplate what my life would be like if I lost her. Let me tell you folks, there would be a hole in my heart the size of the ocean if I ever lost this baby. Of course the same is true for both of my children. But trust me, she is pure sunshine and happiness. She is love and acceptance. She is truth and knowledge. She is sublime.

This was the first two weeks of my new year. Eventually everyone got healthy and I thanked my Heavenly Father over and over and over again! Did I mention that these were the first two weeks of my new semester? Yeah, major suckville. Needless to say, I was gasping for breath while drowning in a sea of homework that seems to still be neverending.

And you should see my house!!!! Oh my heavens and stars. It's like someone came in and thought, "I don't want to steal anything. I just want to take all of their clean clothes, dirty 'em up, and strew them all about." Okay, so maybe half of them are washed and folded but zero of them are put away. I have giant piles in front of my washer, hampers overflowing with clean clothes, and NO time to put them away. I literally spend about 4 hours a day on Chemistry and I have accepted that getting a C in this class will be acceptable for me. If you know me at all, you know that I do NOT get C's. I am a straight A student. But you know what? I'd rather play with my babies. 

And lately, I have been overcome by this intense feeling of guilt about spending so much time on schoolwork and housework and so little time just enjoying their sweet faces. My imperfections are overwhelmingly evident over the course of one day. But yesterday I looked at everything that I was doing RIGHT. And I just want to put it out there for all of the mothers that feel imperfect...

• I'm not a morning mother. My daughter kept asking me to make breakfast for like a week straight. Finally, I resigned to making cinnamon rolls at night so that I didn't have to start the day off with a guilty, less than perfect feeling. Did she know whether they were made at night or in the morning? Nope. And she didn't care.
• I was late to school yesterday (about 30 seconds but still lost 3 points for it) because I decided to snuggle my baby in the morning. Kourtney doesn't snuggle anymore but the Klo does, so I sat and enjoyed her warm softness.
• When I came home from school I goofed around with my husband instead of being cranky because of how stressed I was about all of my schoolwork. 
• Kourtney went to dance class yesterday and I sat in the car and sang to Klo Bow during the whole thing. She thought I was pretty special for that.
• When we got home I made Kourtney's favorite dinner, spaghetti. I was her hero (never mind that it's one of the easiest meals on the planet... it's her favorite). 
• Again, I ignored homework and got down on the floor with her to color a picture. I don't remember the last time I did that. 
• Daddy got home and played with them so I finally got to do my homework and you know what? I got my first 100% on a Chemistry quiz. And I got all of my homework for the day done in record time. It pays to play.
• Because all of my homework was done I was able to sit down and watch a movie with my honey pie after the kiddos were asleep. 
• We all slept through the night soundly.

Be the best mom that you can be. Take it day by day.

Much love!!!!!

Children are GIFTS

Here we are back to the Christmas season. A season of giving, baking, singing, and parties. This wonderful Christmas season always has me thinking about what gifts I will buy, how I will wrap them, who I will give them to. Of course, I put a little thought into the gifts I might receive as well. But this year I started to think of what I have ALREADY been given. Gifts that many people have chosen not to receive, gifts that some people cannot receive, and gifts that so many people take for granted. Those gifts are my children.

Some of you may read this and say, "What?!! Your children?!! I can't have children. They would just drive me crazy". You're right. There would be times when you would go completely nuts trying to figure out the best ways to love them, protect them, and teach them to be wonderful people. And there are of course, other ways that your sanity will be tested. You will forget what it's like to sleep soundly. They will puke on you. They will poop in the bathtub (or the floor or anywhere else for that matter). They will literally destroy everything in their reach and get peanut butter or any other type of stickiness all over your furniture, your clothing, and your floors. As far as the mother goes.... your body will never be the same (sorry). Your friends will have to be weeded out to only the most loving and understanding. And if you're a party-er you should kiss that lifestyle goodbye to provide the life that your child needs. 

This all sounds horrible if you're looking at this from anything but a parent's point of view. Actually when I was 18 years old I decided that I didn't want to have children. Solely because I didn't want to "ruin" my body. Yes, 'tis true. I was worried about getting "fat", stretchmarks, swelling, and never having my body be the way it was at that point in time (my 18 year old body). There are many reasons that people talk themselves out of having children. They need to wait until they have more money. They need to really focus on their career. They don't want to ruin their social life. They'll just get a dog (or cat, etc). They value their sleep. And on and on.

But I was wrong. Kourtney and Kloey, they were totally worth my body never being the same again. They are worth the sleepless nights (just had one with Klo last night). I have to mop everyday and I spend a good portion of my life fishing food out of their hair and mine. I can't even tell you how many times I have to repeat myself until I'm blue in the face. I have been puked on and pooped on. It's an adventure for sure but not one that I'd like to embark on again. Yet, I probably will. Because they are WORTH IT!!!

I truly believe, deep down in my heart that without the love of children you can never fully comprehend pain... but you can never fully comprehend the true meaning of HAPPINESS. The pain part is simple. Just the act of childbirth is agonizing. But then what comes next? We see the pictures of it all the time. It's silent. It is profound. It is heartwarming. It is love in the largest amount that you can think of and then multiplied by 3 billion. 

This love is completely unexpected and sweeps you right off of your feet. And it doesn't stop with the first child. No No! It just gets bigger and bigger and bigger. Their smell, their nose, their wittle toesies, the way they eat, how they sleep. All of it! You love all of it.

I've written some crazy posts about sick nights with my kids, my older daughter learning how to argue with me, my ups and downs with Kloey. But let me share something with you about what I feel every single day of my life regardless of vomit, feces, attitude, or a two year old who is very much not two years old at all. 

It is this; a happiness and pride that threatens to burst my heart straight open if I don't get some sort of control over that madness! When Kourtney spins and twirls and sings I know that she is so happy, and then the bursting starts. When she randomly tells me that I'm the best mommy ever and that she loves me so much, there's that bursting. When she feels comfortable in our relationship to tell me every little detail of every feeling she's had throughout the day, I know that she trusts me, and the swelling and bursting starts all over. 

When Kloey learns a new sign and couples it with its meaning perfectly, the pride loses control! When she crawls over to me and reaches her arms up and proceeds to snuggle deep into my neck then pat my back affectionately, I know what true love feels like. When she cries after I leave the house just barely because I just want to go out with my husband, I turn around and give her another gigantic hug because I know that she believes that she just can't bear to be without me for even a minute.

You nurse them and change them and love them and feed them. They grow and learn and watch and melt your heart every single day, every single moment. This, my friends, is a bond beyond comparison. I check on them three times a night to make sure that they're warm and cozy, and also just to kiss their sweet, sleeping faces. They are my entire world. You may think that makes me a crazy housewife that's been duped into thinking whatever it is her husband makes her think. But my husband will tell you any day that I very much have a mind of my own.

Motherhood was hard for me at first. I felt like my life had just been ripped out of my arms and given to this 7 pound human that I was now, suddenly, responsible for. But how foolish I was! Now I see that when they handed me that 7 pound human... they had not ripped my life from me, but handed my life to me.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!!

Doc Mcstuffins

MY CHILDREN HAVE FOUND A NEW ADDICTION... DOC MCSTUFFINS.

You know, I actually love that they love this cute little show. Actually... here's some random-ness for the day.

• I love kids' shows. Sesame Street. Doc Mcstuffins. Strawberry Shortcake. Tinkerbell. You name it. 
• I've had two cervical fusions. And those totally suck. But now we've discovered that there are two screws in the second fusion that are broken. Not good. Looking at another fusion in the near future.
• We've decided that eventually we are going to adopt another child with Down syndrome. I'm serious as serious can be. We would love to do that.
• I miss reading books. I feel like I never have time for anything anymore. Sheesh
• Kourtney and Kloey are becoming best friends. Because of Kloey growing so slowly this has taken a little bit of time. But she is totally attached to her sister's hip and Kourtney loves it!
• We are thinking of baby number three. And this will be our last baby due to my neck and back problems.
• I like how I look in pictures but I never like myself as much when I'm just looking in the mirror. What's up with that???
• I put on a size 3/4 jean the other day and they were too big! What?!! I refuse to go to a 1/2. Personally, I think that's just too small for me.
• Jordan cleans the house faster than I do. It's true.
• He also leaves the girls in yesterday's clothes all day. So I guess we're even. HaHa!
• My mommy's coming for Christmas! I do feel a little bad that my family won't have here there for Christmas but I haven't had her for Christmas in almost four years!!! I'm beyond stoked. And so is Kourtney.
• I am totally not dreading winter. I like cuddling and snuggling and big fuzzy socks and hot cocoa and the whole bit!
• My husband is more attractive to me every single day. Marriage is the best decision I've ever made!!!
• Kourtney asked to name the new baby (when we have one) "Sparkles"... I'm thinking we'll go in another direction.
• I can't find 95% of Kloey's socks....
• Kloey stands by herself more and more. Walking is very close for this rascal.

Losing her

Here we are at the end of another Down Syndrome Awareness month. We've shared pictures, stories, and videos to educate people everywhere on Down Syndrome and those that are labeled with it. For this final post I wanted to speak out on something that I am very passionate about.

Giving your Down's baby a chance....

Stick with me here. Statistics are still in the 90% range of women who choose to abort when it becomes clear that their unborn child has Down Syndrome. Just think of that statement. Their unborn child HAS Down Syndrome. Not WILL have... but HAS. And my question would be why? After looking through my blogs for the past thirty days have we not all witnessed that my Kloey's life has great value and she herself possesses great potential for many wonderful things? Do we look unhappy and burdened with the weight of her? Does she look unhappy, difficult, or of no worth? Does Kourtney seem to shun her sister.... would she be better off without her?

Of course those questions seem a little ridiculous but I'm serious. Let's just give you something to chew on here...

I begged God to give me a child with a normal chromosome count. For some reason I was convinced that this life would be too much, too hard for me. Countless thoughts ran through my mind... she would never leave home, she'd always be with us, forever!.... she would face ridicule and unfair treatment from others.... Kourtney would miss out on a "normal" sister experience....there would be too many health issues... And honestly, I think that I was afraid of the label it would give our family. Shamefully so, I admit it.

And for the first day of her life you know what? I couldn't look at her. Slap me right across the face someone, PLEASE!!!

But when I finally did, my prayers changed.

There she was... the child that grew from nothing to something living inside of me for so many months. The child that needed the sound of MY voice, MY heartbeat, MY love. And I wasn't giving it to her. For so many shallow and selfish reasons, I wasn't giving it to her. But seeing her at her worst was too much for me to care about me anymore. This wasn't about me... this is HER life. It isn't up to me to say what HER life is going to be, how valuable, how much potential she will or will not have.

And then I was so afraid. I was afraid that I would never be able to bring her home. I was afraid that she would just stop breathing and I would never get to see her smile, watch her grow, help her learn, play with her, or hear her sweet giggles or even her cries. I begged and pleaded with God some more. But this time I begged FOR HER. Whatever was best for her was what I wanted. But please please please let her live. Give her to me. I WILL love her!!! Just give her to me!!!

Fast forward two years. Not too long ago, about two months in fact, we could have lost her again. Over a simple allergic reaction that the ER doctor didn't catch because he assumed that a swollen tongue was just her normal tongue.... because of her DS. Even when I assured him otherwise. He ignored the dangerous signs of her low oxygen counts (in the 60's folks instead of the 90's where they should be). We were sent home.

That night she grew increasingly worse. She screamed and screamed and I didn't know what to do but I sensed that something was terribly wrong with her. Something was not right and it was in fact very scary. She started gasping for breath and gasping and gasping. She just couldn't breathe and I had no idea what to do! So, I prayed.

The very real possibility of losing my child was in the forefront of my mind. I cried and I begged and I pleaded to know what to do, to know how to help her. I begged for Him to give her to me and promised with everything in my heart that I would always always always cherish and love her. Just PLEASE let me keep her.

And He did. Jordan figured it out and we were able to help her heal. I didn't sleep for a week straight just so that I could be absolutely positive that she was going to be alright. And she was. And I cried sweet tears of relief and joy.

My views have completely changed. She does need me, it is true, but our family NEEDS HER!!! She glues us together, she brings love and joy and sweet happiness into our lives. And yes, she really is just like other children. She throws tantrums (miniature ones at best), she plays, she dances, and she learns. She learns at a slower rate, but it all eventually comes.

.....My point is this. I thought that I knew what her life was going to be like. I thought that I knew exactly who she was. I thought that I knew that I wasn't cut out for it. But I didn't know what her life would bring. I didn't know who she was. Apparently I am cut out for it. And I still don't know what her life is going to bring.

She deserves a chance. She deserves a LIFE. She deserves a mother's unconditional love. She deserves acceptance. She deserves to have a VOICE!

Give them LIFE! Give them a Chance!!!

Thanks for following...
Happy Down Syndrome Awareness Month!!!!

Boy oh boy

... Am I tired!!!! After hosting a Halloween party tonight I'm pretty pooped. Let's see about checking out our Down Syndrome sweetheart! Because that's what she is... the sweetest of hearts!!!

Happy Halloween... from all of us... to all of you!!!
And happy Down Syndrome Awareness month!!!