Pull through

Eleven years old... I was frightened, confused, searching.

My first prayer. I came to you, you were there

and I pulled through.

Fourteen years old... angry, lost, lonely, frustrated.

The pain of a broken family, the loneliness of my adolescence.

I came to you, you gave to me my testimony.

and I pulled through.

Sixteen years old... receiving an answer to a prayer not yet uttered.

A decision that you knew was right, that would start my journey through life.

I prayed for strength, you gave me courage, understanding

and I pulled through.

Seventeen... heart broken, lonely, struggling, afraid, so lost

You answered me in dream.

My life regained meaning... you sent to me a friend.

I pulled through.

Eighteen.... drowning, gasping, spiritually dying, giving up

I no longer came to you, you were no longer with me.

Believing I was alone.... wanting to be with you.

A lesson was taught, one that will forever remain.

A lesson was learned.

I pulled through

Nineteen.... a light appears, a glimmer of hope, love

I found you... I came back, realizing that you had never gone far.

lonely, friendless, lost, but stretching forward.

You send me love.

I push it away, you send it back.

I come to you... and receive an answer that was not the plan

Twenty.... in love, struggling, questioning, lonely

you send me home,

and a gift.

I'm pulling through.

Twenty one.... are you with me still?

struggling to see the plan that is there for me.

My eyes are shut, why won't they open?

Why do I not see? Why do I not savor?

what do i do now?

how do i let go? and let you?

help me in my struggle.

I'm at the bottom.......

I'm coming to you,

please come to me....

please,

pull me through.

Assignment

The twenty things about life....

that I love

1. having someone to share it with (two people that make it so much fun)
2. the lilac bush right outside of my house that I can stop and smell whenever I want/need to
3. That I can sing... pretty well, and that it brings me happiness and makes me calm
4. Having the knowledge that there is a God, there is a Savior, the Holy Ghost exists, and that they're all there to help me
5. My home is nice, clean, warm when it needs to be, cool when it needs to be, ultimately a haven
6. Jordan has a very happy personality, he makes me laugh
7. Kourtney... she is a wonderful little creature sent to teach me some of the biggest lessons of life
8. I have amazing friends.... you know who you are. They help me through some of the toughest spots in life, one friend in particular
9. I'm emotional... it helps me to better understand others and their issues. it also leads to great writing.
10. being surrounded by two gardens full of gorgeous flowers that bloom into November!!!
11. being with someone who loves me for everything that I am... even when I am crazy
12. being a mommy, having someone that feels safest when they're with you
13. being able to explore new and old talents
14. the possibility of being healed... being able to go through a day without excruciating pain... that would be nice.
15. smiling...laughing... Jordan and I love to smile and laugh....i love that about us
16. watching Kourtney grow, learn, love, giggle/talk to herself. everything she does is cute. (even her fits are pretty cute... annoying, but cute)
17. watching Jordan with Kourtney. He's a wonderful father
18. being able to talk to my husband's mother the way that I do. Not many people have that
19. being young.... it's frustrating.... but I do love it
20. learning... everyday

Wow.... I could keep going I think. But, I'll stop. Mom told me to do this, she said it would help me to start feeling better.... and it has. I am feeling a bit better. thank you.

The Truth...

sometimes i want to be a kid again

i hate wearing a neckbrace

my future scares me.... No plan ever feels like the right one

i hate that i'm poor and everyone around me pretty much isn't... or won't be in a year, and i still will be

i hate that my life is going nowhere, as of right now

sometimes, marriage is too hard

i wish i would have stayed/finished school in rexburg

i want to go back to school in rexburg

i don't want to go to provo

I love my husband, with all my heart, but sometimes I don't trust him with my future.... and that scares me, and makes me feel like a horrible person.

I think school is important... he thinks it's dumb

my child drives me crazy

i feel bad, because i know that this surgery has had a tremendous, stressful effect on all of us, and sometimes I just think about my pain

i don't read my scriptures enough

i take my neckbrace off when I'm not supposed to

i want jordan to go to school, end of story... that's what i want for MY life

i don't like unknown, unplanned futures... fly by the seat of our pants, let's see where life takes us.

i'm depressed, i think

i want a baby.... but we won't ever be able to afford a baby, we can't afford the one we have now.

my life is not all peaches.... and sometimes....

I get tired of smiling and pretending that everything is okay when i'm screaming inside.

I don't Know WHAT to do.... I'm stuck

God, help me!

hmmm

The sun shines everyday... unless there's a thunderstorm (which I've missed)

Kourtney goes down the slide (the big kid swirly one) all by herself. she won't accept help

She just spilt grape juice on the floor (on purpose).

I think she's jealous of my neckbrace... it gets to have me more than she does... that makes a little sad.

She's going to be so much smarter than Jordan and I combined, I just know it!

Most of the time, you teach her something once, maybe twice, and she's got it.

She loves baby dolls.

She love love loves being outside.

She will trotting along and suddenly, out of nowhere, sit down randomly in the grass and *sigh* start babbling and babbling.

When I sit with her, it's as if the world has just lit up and there are so many wonderful things she must tell me about!

She climbs.... on everything.

She regularly tries to poke my (healing) incision

My neck hurts so badly that I cry daily

My incision itches so much that I've thought of just cutting my neck off... to relieve the itch (lol)

Jordan works today, and I feel lonely

and I want more friends to follow my blog....

AdDicTeD

No, not to drugs... not yet anyway. lol

I'm addicted to picnik.... i can't stop picnik-ing my photos. now i want a new camera in order to take better pictures!

one month

I love sunshine.

I love that we all love to be in the sun together :)

I laugh at my pasty whiteness lol

I laugh harder at Jordan's :P

I love to watch Kourtney play outside

I giggle when Kourtney tries to reach my incision, to see if it will come off (that is, after I tense up)

I laugh at my croaky singing voice (it's not croaky all the time, but i've never heard myself croaky-ish)

I love God

sometimes I'm glad i'm poor.... it teaches me, and keeps me humble

on another note...

It's been one month since my surgery.... hmmmm.... I don't know what else to say

I still have pain but it's different than before...

i have less tingling down my arms and fingers...

now i get funny numb feelings in my face... (apparently that will go away)

my singing voice is coming back (yay)

I can lift Kourtney (i tend to do this too much)

i can do LIGHT house work... what? cleaning the whole house isn't "light"?

i'm waking up earlier than i have in over a year and actually staying awake...

gluten isn't making me sick anymore... odd... don't know why

MY POSTURE ROCKS!!!

I get checked out on a regular basis (okay, maybe not for reasons that i want... a neckbrace isn't exactly "whistle with your fingers...get that girl's attention" kinda sexy hahaha)

being healed means moving on with our lives :)

I can sleep :)

i still need drugs sometimes... but not as often as I did

I look pretty dumb when I dance... but i like it

I miss singing, scrapbooking, writing, and reading.. but those will come back soon.

lastly,

I WANT TO TAKE THIS D#&N NECK BRACE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOODLES :)

oh today...

It was a simple day....

a day full of blooming flowers, the smell of coming rain, a child giggling as she dares to go down the slide all by her little bitty self. A day that made me realize that I am blessed. It was full of giggles and learning and projects and happiness. :)

Jordan works everyday on something to do with movies. This is definitely his passion. We are full speed ahead on preparing to make his dreams come true.

Truthfully, I've been a bit jealous of him lately. His dreams seem to be so close. I was thinking yesterday that I'd be graduated from college right now, pursuing a career of my own if I hadn't gotten married. My major wasn't confirmed, but I was focusing a lot on studying vocal performance. My dream was to be... well, on Broadway truthfully. Silly to some, but a passion for me, school was helping me to get over my nerves. it seems like i'm blah blah blah-ing... but this has a point I promise. With this surgery, my singing voice hasn't come back yet, so I must find other ways to fill my day. Reading, scrapbooking, and writing is all still too hard. I've been observing my little family a lot. I feel like God gave me talents, true enough, but he also had a different plan for me than I had for myself (obviously). I never wanted to be a stay at home mom, now, there's nothing I'd rather do.
Jordan and Kourtney have blessed my life in so many ways:

Kourtney teaches me on a daily basis....

patience,

perseverance,

love, discipline,

respect, MANNERS,

innocence, need for others,

the importance of family.

Jordan teaches me sooo many things.

what kind of a person would I be without him?

I'd be rude, judgmental, hypocritical, obnoxious.... the list goes on

he teaches me that I'm not ALWAYS right... that's hard for me to understand at times. as it is for many people.

He teaches me unconditional love, trust, sympathy, that you go to all lengths to make your significant other happy.

that trust goes a long way in a relationship.

i love him

Do I miss being on stage, singing my heart out, feeling as if my whole soul is shining when my voice is flowing through a room??? Yes, I do miss that. Am I nervous that my singing voice won't come back completely??? I'm scared to death of that. Does that matter more than my family.... absolutely not.

I love my family. They make me happy. I suppose, sometimes, God gives us these "setbacks" to make us explore our other talents, to focus on our weaknesses, and soak up what's going on around us. Life moves too quickly... maybe this was his... not so subtle way of telling me to slow down, enjoy life, listen to the giggles, be thankful for the love of two extraordinary people, and smell the flowers and the coming rain.

sorry if this is sappy... this is what's on my mind currently :)