The weather outside....

is not exactly what we'd hope for this close to CHRISTmas. That is a funny word... Christmas. I like it because to me it says Christ (duh... our Savior) and MAS (more)... More Christ. That is exactly what this season is all about.
More Christ
More charity
More love
More patience
More giving
More forgiveness

We have a tradition in our household. A rather new tradition since our household is still rather "new". We do not get presents on Christmas Day. Our presents come on New Year's Day. So we still receive gifts just in a different way. This year we are doing one homemade gift for everyone on Christmas Day. This has helped us to really get into the spirit of putting effort into our giving. I have really loved it this year. The girls are each getting a new warm and fuzzy blanket and Jordan is getting... Yeah... like I'm gonna put that on here. I know he reads this.

Kourtney is loving this season. It's so fun that she actually understands what's going on this year. We took her to a princess Christmas festival on Tuesday and on Thursday we ventured up to Salt Lake City to see the lights on Temple Square. We've been having a fantastic Christmas season. I've been really emotional this year. Don't ask me why... I could just cry at any moment. NO. I am not pregnant.

Kloey is giggling. Oh how cute she is. She smiles and giggles and just loves. It's so special. She is starting to grab hair and pull. Yeah... Kourtney learned that the hard way while sitting next to her on the floor. She felt the need to tattle. And then I felt the need to laugh.

Jordan is starting a new and exciting job tomorrow. This is the first job that he is actually excited for. Do you know how happy that makes me?!! I'm happy that he is so thrilled about this. This man is my rock. I know that no matter what I look like, smell like, etc. he will always come home with the biggest smile on his face, kiss me, and tell how much he missed me and how beautiful I am. That my friends, is love.

Me. I'm a roller coaster. Up. Down. Around. Loop. Spin. You name it. But hey... we're having fun and loving life. Til next time...

Happy Anniversary!!!

My Dear Jordan,

Hello there! Happy fourth wedding anniversary! Sorry that I am leaving today on this special day. Here are 24 things on the 24th that I absolutely love about you...

1. After four years you still have the incredible ability to make me weak at the knees; to make me super excited when you walk in the door; to make me melt when you smile.
2. Honestly, your patience still astounds me and I love you for that!
3. GOOFY!!!! You are so funny and goofy and silly... You help me to remember to be a kid sometimes. That's nice. Never stop doing that.
4. You're just downright sexy Sir.
5. Kindness... you strive to be kind to everyone we meet and everyone we know. You are a great example to myself and our children.
6. You have always accepted me for who I am.
7. You don't take things too seriously. With you I have learned that things aren't quite as tragic and depressing and stressful as they might seem. Boy, that's a freeing feeling.
8. Who else would so lovingly put up with multiple surgeries and frequent illness as well as you do??? No one.
9. I never feel judged or under pressure if the house is not clean when you get home. You just start picking up my slack and helping me out.
10. Jordan.... you give me alone time. How freakin' awesome are you?!!!
11. I love your testimony. It makes me stronger.
12. Your smile.... It makes me happy.
13. Your hugs are never far away.
14. Your snuggles are warm and loving. That is where I feel most at home.
15. Bargain shopper... boy are you a finder of awesome deals!!!!
16. I always feel beautiful... skinny, fat, pregnant, stretch marks or not... I ALWAYS feel beautiful when I'm with you. Thanks for that. That's important.
17. You get up with Kloey in the early morning :)
18. I love your style. I always have. It just keeps getting better!!!
19. You never forget a birthday or an anniversary.
20. You wash the bottles.... you're the man!
21. Finding you was literally finding my other half. I'm not complete without you.
22. You took me to the temple and continue to do so.
23. We make pretty babies.
24. I love that I love you so much that it's almost overwhelming.
25. I love that I can feel your love for me so much that it's almost overwhelming.

K... so I lied. I couldn't stop at 24. I love you soooo much Jordan. You mean the world to me. Never forget that. These past four years have been the best EVER!!!! Be safe while I'm gone. And have fun... but not too much ;)

Anxiety much?

I fly home tomorrow. Without my Jordan. With my two kiddos. I love my children... but by myself. You see I am really quite spoiled by my dear husband. He lets me sleep when I need to. He has much more patience than I do. He's goofy and Kourtney loves playing with him. My children adore their father. Leaving home without him is tough.

I am super jazzed though. Kourtney just cannot wait to see her Nana and PaPa and her Lisha!!! And everyone gets to meet our sweet Kloey Bow!!!! Not to mention... MY MOM WILL BE COOKING!!!!!! Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!! WOOT!!!!!

Until next time...

Whaaa???

"That's enough Mom"

"No. I twy it myself"

"Mommy I go pee pee!"

"Daddy don't sing it"

"I need my Colter"

"GASP... Baby Kloey is cwyin'"

"I know baby, I know"

"Hey be quiet"

"I'm like a Rapunzel princess"

"Mommy, I need my Nana and PaPa"

"Where's Daddy? ... At work? ... He'll be right back"

"Mom say okay" (usually after she asks for something that she knows she can't have)

"Monsers are too sary monsers" (translates to "the monsters are too scary")

"Dat's so funny Mom"

"Mommy, you look so beautiful"

"I gotta go jump, okay?... Mom say 'okay'"

"These are my best friends... we're a famiwy!" (normally about her stuffed animals)

"No more freakin' monkies jumpin on the bed" (her bedtime song of choice)

"Mommy, come show me" (means "I want to show you") and usually it's a mess

These are just a few of the everyday Kourtney phrases that I find absolutely hilarious! Each day she gets bigger and smarter. Last night I opened her bedroom door to check on her. She was sleeping so peacefully and for a moment... just one moment I caught a glimpse of my tiny baby girl. I love you Kourtney Michelle!!!

A little...

baffled.

(As I wrote this I did not have any ill feelings toward anyone. This is all truth. In my mind I was not shouting. I was not angry. I was not aiming to hurt or point fingers at anyone. I am simply pouring out my heart and sincerely baffled.)

I must say that my feelings have been hurt. Let me start by saying that I know that I am EXTREMELY imperfect. I am flawed. But may I just ask... who is not? Am I a tad emotional? a bit irrational at times? ultra sensitive? kind of judgmental? a bit anxious? seemingly overprotective of my children? Do I at times fight with my husband? yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.

Can I just ask though... Why would anyone wonder aloud why my husband is with me? To me that is just downright rude and particularly hurtful. I was really not aware that I needed to become perfect before I married Jordan. I do believe that he was pretty aware of the fact that I am NOWHERE near perfect when he asked me to marry him.

Let me just assure anyone who may be reading this entry. This is not aimed towards anyone. I honestly don't know who said this. I just know that it has been said numerous times and this knowledge came to me sort of in passing during a conversation. No names were ever mentioned. But if I could say something to those people (or that person... I really don't know) it would be this...

First of all, okay. I understand where you're coming from. Please understand where I'm coming from. Just remember that no one is more aware of my faults and flaws than I am. I am my own worst critic. That is no lie.

Secondly. If you are under the impression that I am the ONLY flawed person in my relationship than you are so sorely mistaken. Jordan is fantastic... but NOT perfect. If he was perfect he would not be here.

Also. as I mentioned my faults above let me just clarify something. There are times when my feelings or emotions are irrational and kind of silly. I do admit that. However, they are not ALWAYS irrational or silly. And sometimes my husband does hurt my feelings or say something insensitive or disregard my feelings. The man IS human after all. So if you see us fight... most likely it's not JUST me. It does take 2 to fight. You don't know what's going on in our relationship. You don't know what I've done... what Jordan has done. You really don't know!

Something more. I love my husband more than anything on this earth. My children run a close second true enough. But my husband is my all! Without Jordan I would be lost. But let me assure you... He feels the same about me...I am his wife. I make him happy. He makes me happy. We're so happy that sometimes it bugs people. Of course there are times when it's not pure bliss... would we be human if we were just constantly happy and never fought? We at least wouldn't be completely happy with each other because we obviously would feel as if we couldn't be completely free with the other person.

My point. We are trying. I am trying. Everyday I try to become a better person. I try to smile more. to be more positive. to be more friendly. to be a better mother. to be a better wife. to be a better Latter-Day Saint. to be a better daughter. a better daughter in law. a better sister. a better sister in law. a better friend. Everyday I strive to be closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior. Most days I fall incredibly short of the type of person that I know I want to be. But in order for me to let go and move on from the mistakes of my past... others must let go and move on. I KNOW that I am flawed. I KNOW that I am NOT perfect. Trust me, I tell myself these things so often that I really don't need others to tell me at all. If you think that I'm not good enough for Jordan.. Sometimes I feel that way as well. Truth be told he is an INCREDIBLE person. He is a good person. But just ponder this for one moment if you will... Do you think that he would have married me if he thought that I WASN'T a good person? He loves me for many many reasons. But believe me when I say.... most of it is not the world's business.

All that anyone needs to know is that he chose me.. and I chose him. We try everyday to be better people because neither of us is perfect. We are so happy together. And I really don't like being judged by people who are on the outside looking in. Whoever you are... I am sorry that I have given you such a bad impression of myself. Just remember... YOU ARE FLAWED TOO. You must be... or else you wouldn't be here. But you are loved even with your flaws. Remember that too.

Here I am...

EXPOSED.

This is a poem that I wrote for Jordan. He loves it and says that I should share more of my talents. So here goes... I guess you should tell me what you think...

TWO SOULS

Why must my heart be tangled so...

entwined so tight with yours?

Must I forever be so exposed,

so accessible to your touch?

My heart at once will dance

when your eyes gaze into mine.

The mind becomes my failing

at the moment of your embrace.

To kiss breathtakingly dominates

all reason.

Defenseless, my shields withdraw,

Captivation takes its hold,

passion runs over control.

Distrust evaporates,

uncertainty dissipates,

fear recedes its face.

Emotions come to one.

True love has clutched two souls.

To My Jordan On his 26th Birthday!

---Stephanie Hansen

Picture above: Jordan and Stephanie October 2007 (less than 2 months before we got married)

Fear

I was reading in this book that my mother sent to me called, Gifts:Mothers Reflect on How Children With Down Syndrome Enrich Their Lives. It is a compilation of stories from women all over the place that have at least one child with down syndrome and how they feel about it and cope with it. One of the mothers shared a story about a couple who had their first baby. The doctor came in and informed them that the baby had Down Syndrome and esophageal problems. He was going to require surgery that had a mortality rate of 50%. He then said that children "like this" never amount to anything and become mere blobs so the surgery really would be for no reason. Basically it wasn't worth trying to save this child. AND THE PARENTS LISTENED TO HIM!!! They decided to not only not do the surgery but to withhold all nourishment. STARVE THEIR CHILD! The case went to trial and all the way up to the supreme court. Rather than say that the child had a right to go to a family that wanted to adopt it they ruled in favor of the parents' decision. The newborn baby boy was never given a name, never held tenderly by anyone that would love him, and never fed. He was put into isolation and starved. He died 7 days after birth. Because he was different he was killed. Are there really people out there that are so afraid of something/someone different that they would rather them die?!!

I know that this story is very sad and I do try to stay away from that on my blog but some things I feel just need to be shared. Of the women that get a positive prenatal test for down syndrome 80% of those women will choose to terminate their pregnancy. I found this extremely shocking.

My child is a joy. She reminds me a lot of my first daughter. Kourtney absolutely adores her little sister. She looks darling in her little clothes and we all enjoy dressing her up and putting flowers in her "hair". She calms at my touch and the sound of my voice. She eats like a little piggy sometimes. She has helped us to realize that different is good.. and pretty much the same. Different is not something to fear. Different is something to learn from. Take what is "different" and choose to grow from it. Choose to be the DIFFERENCE in a world that is so afraid of "different".