When I became ME

Seven years ago today I became a mother. Pregnancy counts to a certain extent, true enough, but when I held my baby something inside of me switched. My life didn't belong to me anymore. I knew from that moment that everything that I did and everything that I said would be imprinted into little ears and eyes. That'll make you rethink just about every goal you've ever had!!!

Kourtney Michelle Hansen was born on Labor Day, September 1, 2008 shortly after 10 am. She was 7 lbs. 1 oz. and 19 inches long. And yet that little miniature human being held more power than anyone could have ever prepared me for.

She was a hard baby. A VERY HARD BABY!!!! I swear the child didn't sleep through the night until she was four years old. Not a lie. Seriously, not a lie. Yet when I look back on that first year, while I do remember the sleepless nights and feelings of surely going insane, I also remember the babbles. I remember the chubby baby fingers tugging on my long hair. I remember the night that she first smiled at me while I was feeding her at 2 in the morning. I remember how she used to randomly fall asleep on the floor because she would scream torturously when we tried to lay her in the crib for a nap. I remember the first time she grasped the concept of "peek a boo", when she learned to crawl in our little kitchen, when she took her first steps while Daddy was at work (sorry honey).

Then when she became a big sister she just blossomed. The child never got jealous, she was always helping with her sister. Then she started school and I felt like my heart was missing for 4 hours out of the day. Now she is 7. SEVEN!!! She is in second grade and gone all day long. The girl is sassier than sassy can be and funnier than funny can be. She's a daddy's girl through and through. She's a hard worker. And she loves Jesus more than anyone I've ever met.

God sent a spirit to me 7 years ago that teaches me more about life than I could ever imagine. But most people who are parents know that this is true. What Kourtney truly gave to me was ME. I became the person that I was waiting to become when she was given to me. Suddenly my life made sense. Suddenly I knew, as long as I had her, everything was safe, happy, everything made sense.

I cannot believe that today she outsmarts me on a regular basis. That she carries her baby brother around the house like it ain't no thang. That she does the dishes, bathes herself, cleans her room by herself. These things are wonderful and absolutely necessary. But sometimes, when I watch her sleeping at night, I yearn for just five more minutes... just five more minutes with my little baby girl... the baby girl that changed my life forever 7 years ago.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET KOURTNEY!!!!

children=crazy

I adore my children. I love them more than life itself (cliche, I know, but truth). But MY GOSH! Children are crazy. They are crazy and they make the people around them crazy. My husband and I like to say that we've been insane for so long now that it just seems normal to us. We have 3 beautiful children: beautiful and crazy. Our oldest is 6 years old going on 16. Our second is 3 years old but, with her Down Syndrome, I'd put her more in the 1 1/2 year range. Our youngest is 7 months old and he's extremely chubby (which I LOVE) and high maintenance.

Currently, my 6 year old is sitting next to husband on the couch and whining about everything that she DOESN'T have. Now, we just returned from a trip to my family's neck of the woods where my children were showered with love, affection, candy, toys, park trips, ice cream trips, toys, movie trips, toys, and more toys. Yet, she doesn't ever get anything in her life and we are making this "her worst day ever" (her actual words). Yes, she's curled up in a ball, pouting.

My 3 year old is sitting on the floor and stubbornly coloring in every page of her sister's brand new miniature Frozen notebook. Which, admittedly, is adding to the meltdown of the eldest and resulting in said ball-curling. She just dumped out an entire cup of water onto the carpet, which resulted in getting the notebook taken away, which resulted in tears. She moves fast. (and sister was just carried upstairs whilst crying and having what appeared to be a seizure just because it was bedtime)

My infant son is currently asleep which is unusual and rare because the boy has been awake and moving since the day of his conception. No joke. I first felt him kick at 9 weeks. He proceeded to do so every second of every day and night for the entirety of my pregnancy and hasn't stopped since. You'd think he'd be crawling or heck, even sitting up by now, but alas.... he is lazy.

My 6 year old is being carried up the stairs while screaming and crying again. She sneaked back down here.

I just wiped a snotty nose with my hand.

I forgot to brush my children's teeth tonight.

My 3 year old just fell off of the couch.

I have to go put my screaming 6 year old back in bed.....

My 3 year old just recently learned the word "no". Everything is "no".

My son is starting the separation anxiety stage. Can't even pee unless I bring him with me.

Anything I cook gets thrown on the floor. Thanks Kloey.

Anything I cook is met with "Ewww. I WON'T eat that!" Thanks Kourtney.

Church is another world altogether. Our meetings start at 1 pm and that is quite possibly the WORST time to have church when you have young children. Why, you ask. Because it is smack dab in the middle of nap time. So, the children are either screaming and crying or wired and crazy. It's hard enough to make sure a child, a toddler, and an infant look clean, pretty, and perfect. Add onto that the task of the coloring books, crayons, snacks, bottles, and countless other things that you MUST have on hand or their tiny little bodies will shrivel up and die from starvation or boredom.

After the 3 hour block of church madness (church is wonderful, don't get me wrong) we come home and the children turn from happy, smiling angels into snarling, growling, vicious beasts. Food, sleep, clean diapers, bottles.... just do it all!!!!

Not to mention the toll it starts to take on a marriage. It'll make ya or break ya. Not sure which one we are yet.....

Am I the only mother that goes through this???

Christmas Words

Oh Christmas time. It is my absolute favorite time of the year. I love the snow, the cozy warmth of home, cuddly blankets, fuzzy socks, baby snuggles, gingerbread houses, cookies, presents.... just EVERYTHING!

This Christmas was different for us. We did our own Christmas. For the first time since we've been married we just did our own thing and it was so so so wonderful!!! Our children woke up before the sun did to see what Santa had brought for them. They saw that he had eaten all of the cookies that they had decorated for him just the night before. They learned all about why Santa gives us gifts. About Jesus' birth and how He was the ultimate gift. Kourtney tried to get away with leaving her door open and light on so that she could hear Santa when he came in. And they were beyond thrilled with their presents and stockings! They stuffed their faces with candy all day long. We had a ham dinner on our fine china and even had some neighbors over to spend time with. We enjoyed some Nigerian Christmas food, compliments of our Nigerian neighbor.

While he was here I asked him what Christmas was like where he's from. And as he was telling me, something seemed to have hit me square in the face. They don't have Halloween over there, nor do they have Thanksgiving, but everyone has Christmas. Because Christmas is Christ. And Christ is for the whole world. I look at my sweet Joseph and know that he will do wonderful things. But young Mary looked at her baby boy and knew that he would CHANGE THE WORLD!!! How blessed we are that there was a mother strong enough and worthy enough to take on this task.

As I was shutting Kourtney's bedroom door after tucking her into bed tonight I turned around and said, "Kourtney, what is Christmas?" To which she responded, "Jesus' birthday". Earlier I had asked her, "Why does Santa bring us gifts?" To which she promptly answered, "Because Jesus was the biggest gift". I love her faith and knowledge. I love that even though Santa and presents have seemingly overthrown what Christmas really is we can know that if we just take a little time to teach our young ones what the spirit of Christmas is all about, they will learn, and they will cherish it.

Tonight my sweet Kloey reminded me once again what Christmas is all about. It is about family. My darling girl is more than 3 years old and has never really spoken. I have longed and longed for her to say "mommy". Something inside of me has NEEDED to hear it for such a long time. Kourtney said it when she was less than a year old. I know things are slower going with Klo. But it's been so long. We were watching a Christmas movie with her and this thought popped into my head, "ask her. Ask her to say 'mommy'". So, I did. She looked me right in the eye, smiled, and said "mommy". I gasped, looked at Jordan to confirm that it had not been my imagination, and when I saw his face I knew that I was right. My baby girl called me "mommy". My heart swelled with love, adoration, relief, and so many more emotions. There were so many that they spilled out of me in the form of tears! And I'm not gonna lie, Jordan teared up too.

This is Christmas. Christmas is family. Christmas is love and giving. Christmas is Christ.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

The Year of the Hansen's

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
WHEN ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE,
NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING.....
EXCEPT FOR MY SPOUSE.

THIS WAY IT HAD BEEN THE ENTIRE YEAR THROUGH
EVER SINCE JANUARY HAD STARTED ANEW.
THE CHILDREN WERE NESTLED ALL DOWN WITH SWINE FLU,
WHILE MOM WAS TRYING DESPERATELY TO NOT SPEW.

MAMA PEED ON A STICK TO CONFIRM OUR SUSPICION,
OF HER VERY OBVIOUS NINE MONTH CONDITION.
WHEN MOMMY AND DADDY HAD A CRAZY IDEA.
THAT DADDY WOULD SPRING INTO A NEW FILM CAREER!

AWAY TO THE INTERNET HE FLEW WITH A FLASH,
TO RESEARCH HOW FILM WOULD MAKE THE MOST CASH.

SO DADDY WAS PREPPING, AND READY TO GO,
WHEN MOMMY HAD PROBLEMS BEGINNING TO SHOW.
THIS BABY THAT WAS QUIETLY GROWING INSIDE HER,
WAS HAVING SOME PROBLEMS THAT WOULD PUT HIM IN DANGER.

WITH A GREAT TEAM OF DOCTORS SO SMART AND SO QUICK,
THE BABY WAS SAVED AND HE STARTED TO KICK.

MORE RAPID THAN EAGLES,
THE TRIALS THEY CAME.
SO QUICKLY WE'LL STATE THEM
ACCORDING TO NAME:

NOW JORDAN WAS BUSY
AND CONSTANTLY WORKING,

'CUZ STEPH WAS ON BEDREST
AND SURE WASN'T PERKY.

AND KOURTNEY WAS LEARNING
AND QUITE ON THE BALL!

BUT KLOEY WAS SICK
WITHIN HOSPITAL WALLS.

AS MOMMY WAS GROWING AND GETTING QUITE HUGE,

THE GIRLS, THEY KEPT LEARNING! AND JORDAN DID TOO!

KOURTNEY WAS DANCING AND LEARNING TO SING,
WHILE KLO WAS TAKING STEPS AND TRYING NEW THINGS.

AND THEN IN A TWINKLING OF JUST 3 SHORT HOURS,
CAME SWEET LITTLE JOSEPH AND THEN LOTS OF FLOWERS.

THE GIRLS FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS NEW BABY BROTHER,
AND 100 TIMES THE HEART GREW IN THEIR MOTHER.

BUT GOD HAD SOME MORE FOR THIS QUAINT LITTLE FAMILY.
SO THEY HELD ON REAL TIGHT AD ENDURED MERRILY.

THE BABY WAS SICK AND TEARS FLOWED FROM HIS EYES,
WHILE LITTLE KLO'S NECK STARTED GROWING IN SIZE.

A COUPLE OF SURGERIES WERE HAD ON THE NECK,
AND 3 WEEKS OF INFUSIONS...
THEN KLOEY HAD STREP!

BUT KOURTNEY'S EYES HOW THEY TWINKLED! KLO'S SMILE HOW MERRY!
JOSEPH'S CHEEKS WERE LIKE ROSES, HIS NOSE LIKE A CHERRY!

HE HAS A CHUBBY FACE AND A ROUND LITTLE BELLY.
KOURTNEY LOVES GIVING HIM KISSES,
BUT NOT WHEN HE'S SMELLY.

WITH ONE MORE SURGERY LEFT FOR THIS YEAR,
KLOEY WILL BE HEALTHY
AND SO WILL HER EARS.

KOURTNEY NOW READS AND WRITES HER OWN STORIES,
AND TELLS MOM AND DAD OF ALL SORTS OF HER WORRIES.

MOMMY AND DADDY ARE BLESSED BEYOND REASON,
WE'RE FILLED WITH THANKSGIVING AND JOY IN THIS SEASON.

WITH SMILES AND LAUGHS WE'LL GREET EACH NEW DAY.
DESPITE THE PEE, SNOT, AND SALIVA
THAT WILL COME OUR WAY.

SO IF YOU SEE US LOOKING ALL HAGARD AND HAZY,
DO NOT ASSUME WE ARE JUST BEING LAZY.

FOR WITH TRIALS COME BLESSINGS,
AND WITH BLESSINGS COME TRIALS.
AND OUR'S SEEM TO HAVE BEEN STRETCHED FOR MILES AND MILES.

THERE'S NO NEED TO DENY THAT THIS YEAR,
IT'S BEEN ROUGH!

AND QUITE CERTAINLY
2015 CANNOT COME SOON ENOUGH!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!

Lots of sick

It is almost 6:00 in the morning and I have not slept at all. Why? Because I've been in the hospital with my daughter all night long. I should really just have a permanent room there it seems. We had just been there 24 hours before. But this seems to be common for my Kloey and that breaks my heart.

Of course no child should be sick all of the time, it's just not fair. It's exhausting for them and it's exhausting for the parents. Just imagine, if you will, a drop of sunshine fallen from the sky to brighten your life and those around you. Now take that sunshine and try to squeeze the light and the life out of it. It'll take a while but eventually the light will begin to fade and the sunshine may start to give up.

Kloey is my sunshine. And this sick business is starting to squeeze the light right out of her. She is still happy, she is still loving, but she is exhausted. I see defeat in her eyes. I feel exhaustion in her hugs. I help her as much as I know how but what can I do really?

Wednesday will hopefully be the beginning of the return of the sunny light. A tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy plus ear tubes is certainly no fun but the end result will no doubt pay off. Pray for my sweet girl. Pray for our family. There's a very good chance that she may refuse to eat or drink or take any medicine. Kloey doesn't understand that these things are necessary. We can't explain that like we would to any other 3 year old. I know what's coming and it will be rough, make no mistake. But we will power through because one thing is for sure....

my Kloey is a Fighter.

Much love everyone.
(sorry for the dramatics, just being honest) :)

Forever friends

As I sit down to write this blog I realize that for the first time the words are not just naturally flowing from my fingertips. For those who know me, you know that this is quite uncharacteristic. However, these words are important, so I will type until I do this post justice.

Our dictionary defines death for us like this: the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism.

And yet, that just seems so wrong, so impersonal, so cold. It seems to just put an enormous amount of emphasis on the fact that the person in question is just no longer being. As if death comes and nothing else matters except for that final fact. That the person no longer exists because they no longer breathe is just not something that I'm willing to accept. Indeed, I know that to be wrong. For starters, there are the memories. The memories of a mother holding her baby, the memories of a growing child, the memories of friendships, loves, heartaches, and so much more. Memories keep people alive in our minds and in our hearts. If a person has made an impact on even one other life, that person is never truly "gone".

Moving past the preliminaries. In my life there are few people that I can say are my truest of the true "friends". Of course, there's my husband and several girlfriends. But there is one other person. A person that has held a piece of my heart for over 10 years. A person whom I have missed dearly for such a long time. A person that has just recently left this world, and as he did so he left a hole in many hearts. What a remarkable and wonderful person he was and still is. I want to emphasize the "still is" part of that sentence by sharing some things that I will never ever forget about this incredible person.

• His testimony of our Savior Jesus Christ. I had the amazing privilege of hearing him speak of it a couple of times. He never was big on words but he didn't have to be. You could really just feel his love for the gospel and it radiated through him. 
• His subtle charm. This one is my favorite. Most teenage boys (men in general) have the tendency to be a bit cocky and full of themselves, overly confident. Not this guy. He was genuinely sweet to the core,  no phony business whatsoever. Sometimes I figured it must have been an act, but as I got to know him I realized that was just exactly who he was. Genuinely sweet and sincere.  And extremely mild mannered and  quiet. That was his charm though. 
• He was a gentleman in the truest sense of the word. Not once did I ever see him disrespect any person, never did he disrespect me. Always held open doors, never intentionally said anything hurtful, always willing to help.
• He was funny. Although he was very quiet, he could always make me laugh in the best ways.
• When it was cold outside and we were going somewhere he wouldn't start the car until I was sitting right next to him so that he could keep me warm. In a very not creepy sort of way. Looking back on it now, it was probably a bit more romantic-ish than I realized. But I was a naive teenager, what did I really know?
• He wrote probably a hundred (or more) letters to me over the course of several years. It was before the time of rampant cell phone ownership and usage. We wrote letters. There wasn't a single letter that said anything in a negative way. There was nothing that would have ever portrayed him in a negative light. Most of those letters are gone now. And I wish I could have them back.
• We ate way too much pizza! For real. Almost everyday we would get a Little Caesar's pizza and eat the whole thing while we watched some television show or movie or even just talked. Seriously, a lot of pizza.
• He made chocolate milk for me. The first time he did that he only put about a teaspoon of chocolate in the glass of milk. His mother informed him that I was a girl and that I would probably want more chocolate. He brought it to me anyway. I informed him that I would probably want more chocolate. He chuckled and put more chocolate in it. 
• At a time when almost every single friend had turned against me (high school was rough for me) he never did. He was there through some pretty rough moments. 
• I was not 16 yet. I would not date until I was 16 and he respected that. Not once did he question it or  try to "make a move". We were friends. We were best friends. I could always trust him.

Of course, our lives went separate ways. I got married 7 years ago and started a family of my own. He eventually did the same. While we have  talked a couple of times over the past few years, it was not to the extent that I would have liked. I wanted to tell him about my children, talk about family life and what not. But the timing was just never right I guess. But I always always knew that he was one of my best friends. I always knew that had never really changed, not really. And that is still the truth. While everything above may be in past tense, it still applies to him today. He has not changed just because he lives in a different place now. He is still everything he was on earth and so much more. He is still one of my oldest and dearest friends. He will always hold a piece of my heart.

Talking the "talk"

It happened..... Mom and Dad weren't careful enough (meaning Dad forgot to lock the door...!!!)... and she walked in............................................................

So.... that killed my mood! Bahaha!!! She opens the door, says "OH!!" and goes to shut the door as I look at Jordan and say, "YOU DIDN'T LOCK IT?!!!" To which she promptly responds by opening the door and in a very awkward voice proceeds to say, "I will lock it.." "No! Kourtney just go!" came out of my mouth by that point.... And then I couldn't stop giggling. Because anyone who knows me, knows that when things get awkward I giggle.... uncontrollably (4th grade spelling bee).

She walked in on us when she was 3 but had no idea what was going on, but this time I knew it was different. She knew. I knew she knew. Jordan was in denial..."we can just tell her we were sleeping".... yeah. He could handle the "how do babies get out of the tummy talk" but this was just too much for the man. He jumped right in the shower as I said, "We're gonna have to tell her". Coward.

I have to admit that I did hang out in the bathroom for a little bit mulling over what the heck I was going to say to an almost 6 year old about sex. I decided to be completely honest. Just tell her the basics and make sure I didn't make it awkward. After all, I want her to know that sex is not a "taboo" subject that she can never come to me about. For her to feel comfortable with me is super important. So I took the plunge...

She sees me. She looks away. She says, "I just need you to get me some food." Yep. This isn't awkward. Pray for strength. "Kourtney, we have to talk about what you just saw." "...okaaayy."

We sit down at the kitchen table and I have to remind myself multiple times to NOT BE AWKWARD!!! So we begin. I started by naming the anatomy. Use the real names folks, don't be afraid to tell them what they really are, say it with me, "penis and vagina"... very good.

Now that that was out of the way it was time to explain marriage. Yes, I am teaching my child to wait until marriage. I do not need "advice" or comments about this being "old fashioned" or whatever else you may think. This is how we're teaching them. Then I explain that when you're married it is okay for your husband to see your vagina...

She was quite shocked by this revelation! And then, all of a sudden, I knew how to say it! The penis and the vagina can come together and that is called "sex". "Sex?" "Yes. sex." BOOM! explanation given and accepted. "Kourtney, do you have any questions?..." "No... wait, yes.... can you get me some food." Ladies and gentlemen a round of applause please. Not only did I do it, but I did with grace!

Jordan can tell Joseph when he asks. I'll handle Klo Bow.