Third

Day three: Clouds.
Luckily for me there were actually some clouds in the sky today. Most of the time there aren't many clouds to be seen 'round these parts. As I was taking this picture my camera's battery light was flashing at me as it was about to die. So, I wasn't able to be super picky about the shot that I got. But the more that I look at this the more that I like it.

Random thing about today:
I am so cranky!!! I don't know what it is. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. When I did get out of bed I was just snappy and short with everyone. My motivation to do anything at all is completely non existent. I did make it to voice lessons today... that much I did do :)

... Until tomorrow.

DOS

Day Two:

What you wore today...

I love this shirt. I purchased this about a year after Kourtney was born. I swear this shirt looks good on me ALL of the time. Skinny, pregnant, post partum, fat, chubby, you name it. ALL OF THE TIME!!! Gotta love it.

So, today is Klo Bow's 1st birthday. How wonderful and sweet this angel is!!! One year ago if I would have known what I do now... I would have had NO FEAR!!! God knows exactly what we need. Especially when we haven't a clue of what those needs are. I love you sweet baby! Here's to another fantastic year spent with you as a part of our family. 

Challenge

So, I am addicted to pinterest.... but it's a good addiction because I actually use/do the things that I pin.  I've had a photography challenge pinned since I first started the whole pinterest obsession. It is a 30 day photography challenge. So for the next 30 days you will have a little bit of me everyday... yes that's right. Time to put a little crazy in your life :)
Day 1: Self portrait. Here is what I came up with...

Random thing that happened today. We were invited to play soccer with some friends at church tonight. We thought... why not. We can keep the girls up for a little while past their bedtime. Oh goodness. They were great but when we got home we realized that Jordan had locked the door and we didn't have the house key. At this time it was about 10:45 pm. So we go get a key from our landlord and it didn't work. Klo Bow slept while Kourtney and I played outside and Jordan called different locksmiths until we settled on one. (all of our windows were locked, good to know that it's hard to break into our house) 2 hours and $80 later we were safely in our house. Good times :)

Step It UP!!!

Where I am now....

Where I was almost a year ago...

I know I know.... I'm in a sports bra and that is immodest but just "bare" with me. :) I really am just doing this to show my progress. So, I met with my personal trainer yesterday. My weight was 131.6 (with my clothes and shoes on) hehe. That is down 1 pound from 2 weeks ago. She told me that wasn't good enough. Boo. Then she said "Step it up!". Okay, we're gonna step it up. Yesterday I was given an INTENSE circuit training workout to do 3 times a week plus 20 minutes of cardio on those days. On the other days it's 1 hour of intense cardio. I swear I felt like I wasn't gonna make it yesterday. BUT, when it was all said and done I felt really great about myself that I had done it and not given up. Today I am incredibly sore.... but I'm gettin' on that treadmill for one whole hour!!! She also told me no more sugar. Yeah, sugar is my weakness. It's non-processed fresh foods and no sugar for me. I really do prefer it that way. I just have a weakness for sweets. She informed me that I need to lose 2-3 pounds a week. YIKES! Can I do that??? I don't know for sure, but sure am gonna give it my best shot.

STEP IT UP!!!!!!!

It's been awhile...

Lately I have been thinking a lot about this time last year when I was pregnant with my little Klo Bow.

 There are just so many things that I want to say to that stressed and worried mother/mother to be again. Behind that smile you have no idea the thoughts and fears that were ever present and constantly looming in my mind. Instead of embracing the warning and taking the time to mentally/emotionally/educationally prepare myself I just spent months and months of denying. I KNEW Klo would have Down Syndrome. And I was so completely afraid of everything that I thought that would bring into my life. So, I wouldn't accept it. But it's not as if it is a very easy thing to accept... especially when you just have a feeling and no concrete evidence. It was still hard after the evidence as well. But here is what I want to say to my pregnant self and what I would like to say now in general...

 -It is going to be very hard for you to deal with "losing" the child that you were expecting and planning for in your heart. It is going to be hard to stop the spinning in your mind when the doctor tells you that your sweet newborn baby is not "normal". It is going to be hard to realize that you wouldn't accept that when you knew it to be true. It is going to be hard... but it will be harder to see her laying under that incubator. It will be harder to see her hooked up to a heart monitor. It will be harder to see all of the pricks in her skin from the attempted iv's. It will be harder to see her with an oxygen tube. It will be harder to not be able to hold her right away. It will be harder to not get to spend your first night as mother/daughter in the first room together. It will be harder because you realize that this is your baby girl. This is the life that you created and you want nothing more than for her to be completely healthy and completely comfortable. You don't want her to ever be hurt or feel alone or unwanted. And yet, you feel helpless standing by and watching your baby go through all of this while there is nothing that you can do. Yes, it is best for her and it is saving her... but it is hard. Although you are trying to come down to reality and accept what is... you must try harder. Your baby needs YOU. You love her. You are committed to her. There's no turning back. It's go time.

 You question what your baby will be able to do... how she will be different. Don't. You will find that every little milestone... every itty bitty one... will be so exciting! When she deliberately looks into your eyes. When she grabs your finger to suck on it the first time. When she starts to hold her head. When she starts to recognize you. When she starts to cry because she feels lonely. When she starts to "fake" cry just to get your attention. When she rolls over! When she rolls over again and again and again just to get to something. When she starts to coo and blow raspberries. You will be excited and incredibly proud because she works so hard to achieve these things. These are things that all babies do but Klo works sooo hard for sooo long to do them. She is a hard worker. She is smart. She is wonderful.

 You will find that nothing can brighten your day like her pure joy in seeing your face in the morning. Her giggles may have taken a little longer to come but they were well worth the wait. She may not be sitting up, crawling, or walking but by golly she's angelic! Careful, she can see right through to your soul with those eyes. She loves you, you know. She always has, she always will.

 She is going to do things that every child will do. Yes, that even means that she will probably talk back to you, tell you no, throw fits, and play mind games just like the rest of 'em. Prepare yourself. Rest assured if you're not prepared then she will just be able to "cute" her way out of anything. 'Cuz one thing's for sure... she is CUTE!

Every journey has difficulties. This journey is not exempt from its fair share of trials and hardships. From time to time you struggle with the basic diagnosis. But not often and not for long. Because all that matters is that she is your's... and you are her's. And the love you share is infinite.

A THANKless job

My mother always told me that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. She said that what makes it hard is the heartache that mothers experience, letting your children make their own decisions and, consequently, their own mistakes. She also said that being a mother was a "thank-less" job. I don't know that I ever really understood that. Well... until now. You see, as a mother there are some things you just never hear. For instance, "Thank you for changing my diaper dear mother", or "Thanks Mom, for making that bottle for me".

 Here are some things that I would like to hear... but I know that I never will. (until my children are parents perhaps)

 THANK YOU MOM:

 for growing me within your body for nine months.
 OR
 for letting me INVADE your body, make you HUGE, cover your body in red and purple marks, and then put you through HOURS of AGONIZING pain and suffering until you finally gave one last push and gifted the world with my glorious presence.

 for breastfeeding me.
 OR
 for allowing me to experience this wonderful time of bonding with you as we struggled and struggled for weeks on end to learn how to latch and when to latch. As we cried together... wasn't that nice??? You with your bleeding and cracked nipples and engorged breasts and I with my empty stomach DEMANDING that you give me EVERY LAST DROP of your sanity and energy... wasn't that something?

 for changing my diapers.
OR
 for calmly and lovingly changing my wet and soiled diapers. For never getting angry with me when I peed through that beautiful little outfit that you put together... for pooping through onto and staining that little dress that you spent all of that money on... for pooping on your hand and peeing on your face. For EXPLODING in my pants so that you have to cut the outfit off of me in order to prevent any toxic poisons from getting into my eyes.

 for giving me my bottle.
OR
 for lovingly putting the 37.5 different pieces together (for ONE bottle) filling it with the appropriate amount of water (that's just the right temperature) and the perfect amount of formula... just so that I can suck it down, while it drips all over my face and clothes, within two minutes. Then you can take apart that 37.5 piece bottle, wash it all up for me, dry it and put it away just in time for me to spit up all of the contents of said bottle onto myself, my clothing, your carpet and furniture, and you.

 for rocking me to sleep.
 OR
 for rocking me to sleep because for five hours I REFUSED to be put in my crib like some animal being dragged to the slaughter! What kind of person really lays their baby down and expects to be able to walk away just like that huh?!!! So I would appreciate very much if you would just march right back in here, pick me up, and rock me while I try to pull your hair, snatch your earrings, break your necklace, and puke on your shirt. AND if you don't come back in here... well I'll just scream my little head off until you feel so bad that you're questioning the very decency of your mothering.

 for nursing me back to health.
OR
 for letting me wipe my snotty nose on your shirt when I just COULDN'T seem to find anything else to wipe it on... for FORCING that fever reducing pain medicine into me when I SWEAR you were trying to kill me with that stuff!!! I know that you had to sit on me while pinning my arms to my sides and squeezing my cheeks so that my mouth stayed open and you even had to plug my nose so that I would swallow... you torturous being you! ... for staying up with me until allll hours of the wee morning while I vomited, coughed, hacked, wheezed, pooped, and moaned... for cleaning all of that up too.

 Yes, appreciation would be nice would it not? Instead I hear this one, "Where's my daddy? ... I want my daddy... You're mean! When is Daddy coming home? ... No not you! Daddy!!! ... Don't be mean to me Mommy!!!" These all sound funny, and in retrospect they really are. But right now it's like a dagger in the heart. If only you could say... "I DO ALL OF THIS FOR YOU, YOU KNOW!!!" I'm not trying to be mean, or torture you, or kill you, or hurt you, or any terrible thing like that. I am just trying to take care of you! SO JUST SAY THANK YOU AND GET ON WITH IT!!!

 To my mother:
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Theme song....

If we could all have a theme song that we heard as we walked down the street... just blaring, declaring the fact that we're bad A. Well... here are some dear people and what I perceive to be their theme songs... :)

We'll start with my dear brother Justin. How I miss this kid. I say "kid" but that word doesn't technically apply to him anymore. He is much more than a kid... he is turning out to be quite the man! I'm so proud of this lil' bro of mine. Whenever I hear the song Fireflies...by Owl City... I think of him. And it makes me smile :)

Fireflies


Now on to my sweet sister Rachael... I say sweet... but she's rather sassy as well. This is a STRONG woman! Yet, she doesn't realize just how brave and great she really is. I love talking to my sister. We laugh.. we cry.. we share common insanity stories.. and we're sisters... what more do I have to say. I think of her when I hear this song... maybe I'll give her two :)

Jesus Take the Wheel

Set Fire to The Rain

Johnny... Oh Johnny-Son... Goodness I miss this boy. (again, he's now a man, not a boy) My baby brother has a baby of his own on the way. I am pretty sad that I won't be there when this bundle of joy joins our family. This song is your's.. it just reminds me of your attitude all the way... not to mention it's my favorite song to dance to .. and dancing always makes me think of you!

Im'ma Shine

Madre!!!! You have a theme song too... My love for music and dancing most definitely was influenced by my beautiful mother. This woman was blaring the Whitney Houston, Celine Dione, Gloria Estefan, Shania Twain, and her newest is the soundtrack to Mama Mia. Oh how I love this woman... this singing, dancing, laughing woman! Music is a HUGE part of my life. It wouldn't be in mine if it hadn't always been in your's!


Because You Loved Me

I'm just going to throw in a theme song for myself before we end here. Now, these are not the only people who are near and dear to me... they're just the ones that I have thought of theme songs for. This is what I would want people to think my theme song is... because I belt it out at random times in random places like I'm a castmember of Glee. Anyway, here it is.

Defying Gravity

And this... is for Jordan

Yeah...