Fibromy-who?

Fibromyalgia...

is a medical disorder characterized by chronic widespread pain and allodynia, a heightened and painful response to pressure. ... Other symptoms include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbance and joint stiffness... bowel and bladder abnormalities, numbness and tingling, cognitive dysfunction.--- Taken from Wikipedia.com

There is no cure for Fibromyalgia and no concrete way to test for it. In fact, patients who have it normally produce completely normal tests... As I have been.

What does this have to do with Stephanie???

Her doctor thinks that this is what she has. Two years of tests, surgeries, etc. has led to this conclusion. The only way to tell if this is my answer is to put me on some medication to see if it helps with my excruciating 24/7 pain. I am hoping and praying that it does. I can't take much more of this. I've reached my limit. I need a miracle and I need it now.

other symptoms (from Wikipedia):
prolonged muscle spasms, weakness in the limbs, nerve pain, muscle twitching, palpitations

(I found this one interesting):
Neck trauma seems to increase the risk of developing Fibromyalgia.

All of the symptoms that I have listed are symptoms that I experience everyday... I only left out about two from the Wikipedia site.

I just want to sleep. And I just want an answer. If this is it... I can accept that... I just want an answer. I'm so sorry that I seem so depressed lately. Really, I've actually been quite happy lately. Jordan and I are fantastic... Kourtney lights up my life... and things are just really really good. Well... except for this :)

Pictures

Kourtney is in dance class. Every Friday evening we get dressed up in our tutu and go to dance. She was a bit skeptical at first but now she just dives right in and does what the instructor does. It's so great. I love that we can do this.

Nothing

I feel like I should be blogging. Yet, I just don't feel any words coming to mind that really need sharing. Lately I've been going through a difficult time... just this random blue period. I can't explain it. I don't know. I need a happy list.... that's what I need.

Things that make me Happy:

• My husband.. my oh so goofy, nothing gets him down, spontaneous husband.




• My daughter... my ever growing, more monstrous and independent everyday, wonderful daughter




• Praying... I find myself doing this a lot during the days lately




• Waking up in the morning... at night I mostly just dream about pain just to wake up and find that I'm in tons of pain... I don't like sleeping




• Cooking... when I have the energy to do it, I really do love to cook/ bake/ all that jazz



• Writing... I don't do it much anymore (the more pain you're in the less your creative juices flow)
• Family.. family really does make me happy. Some are crazy and rude and whatever (not directed at anyone in particular) but they still make me happy and I still love them
• Fall... Welcome. I love fall. Yes it does mean that winter is fast approaching. But how can you not love sweaters and leaves and pumpkin patches and ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL COLORS!!! I just love it!!!
• Taking pictures... this is something that I really do love. I love to learn different techniques and different angles, find new spots, and just about all of it! I do love it.
• The idea of going back to school... totally jazzed for that. (not jazzed about the price of moving but HEY! oh well)
• the temple... the temple makes me happy happy happy :)

That's that folks. Hopefully, given a little time, I will get out of my blue funk. Until then, we might be seeing more of these "Happy List" blogs. Ta Ta :)

How long has it been???

Hi Friends. We are indeed alive... and quite well. It's actually been really nice to take such a long break from the computer/internet scene. SO... a lot has been going on in our lives. Kourtney is 2... gets bigger everyday... talks very well (I can't keep up with all of the new words she's learning everyday so I stopped trying)... sleeps in a toddler bed... pulled a muscle yesterday and couldn't walk (lovely)... loves going to the park EVERYDAY!!!... loves loves loves anything and everything that makes her feel pretty... starts dance class this week, she'll be doing the Polar Express for Christmas recital they're starting with tap and tumbling! how adorable!... she sings ALL THE TIME!... she dances ALL THE TIME!!! I love that she is so much like me in so many ways. We have such a fantastic time together. I love teaching her and being at home with her. She definitely is a huge blessing in my life and an extremely good little girl. She, for the most part, has very good manners, listens very well, and has an amazing and very sweet spirit. She is a special little girl.

Jordan is fantastic... he just got moved into a new program at work which has him working longer hours... he is a hard worker... he helps me through/understands all of my health issues... Kourtney loves when he is home... I love listening to them play and sing and goof around... He has a friend staying with us right now... that makes me happy that he's found a good friend... he's been called to be a teacher in priesthood... he's nervous... I know he'll do great... he's goofy... he's smily... he's annoyingly happy ALL THE TIME!..... AND I LOVE IT!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

I have recently had a very emotional weekend. I found out when I was 10 years old that my father was not my biological father and that I had two more brothers and a little sister! Geez! So... I've been waiting for 12 years to meet them. 12 YEARS!!! Imagine my excitement when my mother calls me on Saturday and tells me that my Aunt Linda (my bio. father's sister I LOVE HER) is in town and that she has one of my younger brothers with her! WHAT?!! I sure as heck wasn't prepared for all of that! He's a lot different than I am that's for sure. But he is family and I love him. I hope to be able to get to know him better. We only spent one day together but it was well worth it. It was interesting to have him sitting in my house all of a sudden! We were comparing features and talking about Sonny (father) and how Rachael and I never knew about them until we were 10 and 11. Turns out my brother and I have the same eyes, hair, and feet! Crazy! And, apparently, my little sister is just like me... hyper and outgoing and crazy! (and apparently we dress alike) that's very exciting for me. It was all very nice yet very strange. I was able to keep my emotions in check and I was very proud of myself. What I mean by that is I didn't cry at all. I didn't let on that it was an emotional thing for me... I'm so very happy that he wanted to meet us. So so so happy!

OH.... goodness

I miss my computer with all of MY pictures :(

We have to re-do the whole stupid thing.

Viruses suck.

I'm taking pics of my brother's girlfriend today.

She's pregnant and due like... tomorrow.

Well, soon anyway.

I miss my husband... he is working right now.

I love that even though to the world's standards we are really poor.... we feel very rich.

Kourtney is sooo smart.

We enjoy her more and more everyday.

I love laughing with Kourtney.

When she does something silly just to make me laugh it's wonderful

Then we laugh together as if we're the best of friends.

Her two year molars are coming in (and taking their sweet time at that!)

Poor baby is in a lot of pain.

Jordan and I have reached a new level in our relationship.

One of pure bliss.

One of unselfishness.

One of togetherness.

One of loveyness.

We did the cheesiest most wonderful thing last night...

We sat together on the couch, my head in his lap, and stared into eachother's eyes forever...

and then talked about the future, our love, our little family :)

We are blessed.

We love the gospel more everyday.

It's fantastic to try to remember the Lord in everything,

To serve others,

even if it's just to put a smile on someone's face.

We love it.

I love him.

We love life.

no computadora

We've had a virus forever now and we can't get anyone to come work on our computer! and actually, I'm not devastated about it. It's been quite nice to not have the distraction. We don't waste any time watching tv show, or facebooking, or blogging. I do actually need it sometimes for certain things but it has helped me to discover myself. I'm expanding my talents and I'm exploring new ones and I am absolutely loving it. I scrapbook more and I'm making other little random things... like a little music maker for Kourtney. It's adorable and I made it from a paper towel roll. It's cute. I'm singing more and I love it. My voice is not quite back to what it was in high school but if I keep practicing everyday it will soon be even better than that. I'm reading my scriptures more and it's absolutely wonderful!!! I've been reading about 13-15 pages a day. My goal is to be done by Wednesday of next week because institute starts on Thursday next week and we're studying the Doctrine and Covenants. So, naturally, I have to finish the Book of Mormon before I start studying the D&C.

Spending more time as a family has been really special. Kourtney is learning and growing so fast!!! She definitely has a mind of her own. Oh boy... don't get her mad. These fits that she throws recently are just.... WOW.. but we don't give in. She's two... she knows when something isn't acceptable. Another thing... she's so SMART!!! About 5 new words a day. She points out animals, she sings, she dances (she loves ballet, lol). You say... Kourtney do your ballet! and she holds on to the wall, lifts one leg and moves it (slowly) in front of her and behind her, like a pretty ballerina. So so cute. She also thinks she's smart enough to trick Mommy and Daddy. If Mommy tells her no she goes to Daddy and tries to get him to say yes. Yeah. It doesn't work. And she gets ticked. Oh well. She spends a lot of time trying to whine herself into getting her way and making us give in.... AAAaaaahhhhhh.... to be two. Well, she will be in about a week! A week!!! Two years old. I can't believe it. Where has the time gone?

I wish that I had some pics to put up... I have plenty of pics but I'm not at my computer. :( Bummer. Ah well. Until next time then.

ZZzzzz's

There are so many things that I wish I could do

I wish I could learn,

I wish I could practice and perfect.

I would love to give my all to my family.

I would love to be able to work,

to exercise,

to cook,

to sleep.

To go through my day without being a zombie,

with some actual energy,

with no pain and no pain pills,

that would be heavenly.

I'm tired. I hurt. and I'm sorry for putting my family through this.

This last week it finally hit me... I am a sick person.

For real though... I am.

If it's not my neck it's my immune system failing to do its job,

or extreme fatigue,

or extreme nausea.

Really?!!

I wonder, what does it feel like not to be sick?

Some people will tell me that it is my subconscious that is making me sick.

That I have some memories or feelings that my body won't let go of and that's how I cope with it.

I've had some people tell me that it's all in my mind.

The past couple of years I have listened to said comments and followed their advice and tried to "heal myself".

It didn't work. Not to say that it doesn't ever work. I'm sure that it really could work for some people.

Unfortunately for me... I'm not one of those "some people".

Suck.

So what now? I don't know.

At least I've come to the conclusion that I'm sick and that I haven't just needed a really long nap everyday for the past 2 years.

Yeah, I really don't want to feel like a zombie forever. I really don't.

*SIGH*